INTRO: Second Step

By the time that I arrived in AA, it was difficult for me to deny that I was an alcoholic.  The evidence was overwhleming: I was powerless over alcohol; life had become unmanageable.  In addition to the DUI, I was making questionable decisions professionally and personally without fully suffering the consequences of my actions.  I thought that if I were given a chance to succeed, then I would, and the quality of my life would drastically improve.

Obviously, I was in denial---not about being an alcoholic but about related problems.  Alcohol was a problem, but it was not the only one.  I drank to cope with feelings of disappointment and anxiety, and in so doing, created more problems with which I coped with alcohol.  I am not sure which came first: the alcohol or the problems.  It does not matter.  To be well, both have to be addressed.

The first step is about admitting that one is powerless over alcohol, that one cannot drink under any circumstances.  The second step is about trusting: 1) that something more powerful than alcohol exists; 2) that this power is willing to help; and 3) that this help includes restoring the alcoholic to sanity.  

The stumbling blocks in this step are theological and psychological.  Plenty of people in AA arrive with religious baggage.  Bad experiences with religious institutions or people representing them have led to anger, cynicism and fear (which contribute to other problems).  Trust does not come naturally, and yet without help, one has no chance of overcoming a power greater than himself or herself, like alcohol.  Self-sufficiency is self-defeating.  In the end, the second step is about asking for help whether this help comes from God, a group or one of its members.

The problems that I was looking solve when I came into the program were practical ones.  I wanted to stop drinking.  I wanted to be sure that I was gainfully employed and that my family was intact.  I wanted to feel better about myself and the direction in which my life was headed.  I was tired of spiraling downward.

The suggestion that I was insane offended me.  I had baggage with religious institutions, but even in the depth of my illness, I believed in God.  I prayed.  I read self-help books and met with therapists (whose access to the truth was distorted by my twisted version of it).  Surely, I was not insane, as AA suggests that I am, and yet given the number of times that I drank and expected different results, I came to believe that I was.

As I sobered up, I began to see the past more clearly.  I remembered embarrassing stories.  I wondered what I was thinking when I made some of these decisions that I regretted, and I questioned whether my judgment was better than anybody else's.  I started asking for help, and in so doing, acknowledged that I did not know everything, that I had more than one problem.  I began thinking of myself more as a sick person than as a bad person, and the quality of my life---and my problems---began to improve.  A power greater than myself was beginning to work in my life.  I was being humbled in the process, and humility sets the stage for gratitude.