1st Step ACTIONS

We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable.

In the first series that I wrote for this blog, I shared my experience, strength and hope based on my first experience of AA's 12 steps.  The second series was more philosophical, as I considered the principles behind the steps and how they apply to life in recovery.   This series, the third one, is all about actions, the steps within the steps that help the person in recovery to be, and to stay, sober.

I remember sitting in a clubhouse with another alcoholic who was beginning to work the steps after I had been sober a while.  He asked a lot of questions, all of them good.  The tone of the conversation began to bother me, however, because this person was spending too much time trying to figure why he (or she) was an alcoholic without considering the actions that help the alcoholic to step up and to step out of the problems that lead one into AA.

Eventually, I redirected the conversation by asking this person, "Do you know what the most important  body part in AA is?"  The first response, which was wrong, was "the head."  The next response, which was equally wrong, was "the heart."  The following response was "the liver."  Wrong again.

At last I shared my opinion.  "It's you ass," I said, "Your ass is the important body part in AA.  You have to bring it to meetings.  You have to take it to places where you may help other alcoholics.  You have to do stuff, important stuff, so that you spend less time in your head and are governed less and less by your emotions"

AA, as I have been taught since the first meeting that I attended, is an action program, and this series is an honest effort to look at the actions that help the alcoholic to work each of the 12 steps.


1. Be honest about why you are in AA.
Nobody comes into AA on a good day.  I know that I didn't.  Life was spiraling downward, and I was looking to stop the spiraling.

I put off going to an AA meeting for years, but the fact that I even thought about attending a meeting before I spent a night in jail following a DUI suggests that I belonged in AA years before I arrived.

While I did not have any doubts about whether I was an alcoholic or not when I arrived, some men and women do, but let's face it, if one has to ask if one is an alcoholic, then one probably has a problem, because this person is not in a chocolate factory wondering if he or she is a chocolate bar.


2. If you have any doubt about whether you are an alcoholic, then go out and drink exactly one drink per day for one week.
If the thought of going out and drinking only one drink seems absurd to you, because you know that the first drink leads to the next one and eventually into oblivion, then this experiment may not be necessary.

When I came into AA and someone suggested controlled drinking, I was overwhelmed by fear.  If I could control my drinking, then I would never have driven drunk or spent a night in jail in the first place.  

For men and women who continue to drink in the face of mounting consequences, the only option is to abstain from drinking, which is why AA is an abstinence program.  Alcoholics who do not take the first drink never become drunk; those who ignore this simple truth will drink and drink again, and in so doing, will continue to suffer and to inflict suffering.

3. Admit that you are powerless over alcohol.
Admitting that one is powerless over alcohol is not as dramatic as it sounds (which is disappointing given how much alcoholics enjoy drama).

I admit that I am powerless over alcohol every time that I walk into an AA meeting; walking into an AA meeting, in fact, is one of the most honest things that I do.  By walking into a meeting, I am not able to lie to anybody, including myself, about why I am there.

If I am to experience power, I have to distance myself from that over which I am powerless.  If I notice that the place where I live is engulfed in flames, I do not stay inside.  I step outside of the place where I may be most comfortable and ask for help.


4. Admit that your life has become unmanageable.
The list of people who were willing and able to help me is much longer than I thought that it was when I stepped into the program.

Bridges had been burned.  Relationships had faltered.  The mountain of debt before me seemed insurmountable.  Life had become unmanageable, and the evidence was glaring.

Sure, I was tempted to blame anybody and everybody for the problems in my life, but the cold, hard fact was that I had driven myself over the cliff and distanced myself from people who were willing to break my fall.

I thrashed around flexing muscles that only I could see, and when my vision began to clear, I had to start accepting responsibility for the consequences of my actions that included the decision to take the first drink.


5. Stop talking, and start listening.
In the first meeting that I attended, I sat with tears in my eyes before sharing.  One of the sad facts of this scene, as I remember it, is that I had to speak.

By speaking, I placed myself on center stage.  The self-pity, which was authentic, was also a way of calling attention to myself.  While it was important that I spoke, that I admit that I was, and am, powerless over alcohol and that my life had become unmanageable, it was also important that I start listening, because all of the information that I had to share at that point in my sobriety was about the illness.

Soon, it became evident that I would have to look outside of myself for healing.  Something out there was more powerful than alcohol, and by this stage in the program, I was clear that it was not me.

12th PRINCIPLE: Service

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

The twelfth step assumes: 1) a spiritual awakening; 2) a message; 3) a desire to help other alcoholics; and 4) an expectation of more of the same.  

An awakening is only a beginning, but the spiritual awakening of an alcoholic is the beginning of a life facing promises rather than running from fears.  A spiritual awakening is somewhat mysterious, and the experience and celebration of this mystery differs from person to person.  

The message that the alcoholic carries is a story: his or her story and the stories being told in meeting after meeting throughout the world.  AA, at its best, is not about institution-building or proclaiming the gospel of AA, but about sharing experience, strength and hope.  Whether someone accepts another person's story as truth or not should not affect one's feelings about one's self or one's life in the program. 

Validation comes from within and from the quality of one's relationship with the God of one's understanding.  Helping another alcoholic to achieve sobriety feels good, but this feeling may be almost as habit-forming and self-indulgent as one's drinking life was before AA.

Not drinking changes one's life.  Working the steps improves one's quality of life, and it improves every aspect of the sober person's life provided that one is disciplined enough and open enough to be made happily and usefully whole.   

Wake up!

The first question that I ask alcoholics after they arrive at the twelfth step is, "How do you feel?"  The response is almost always positive.  Even among those who grumble, it does not take much to help them to acknowledge how much better they feel now than when they first came into the program.

Recognizing that one is in a completely different and better place is an acknowledgement of a spiritual awakening.  For me, it is not essential to be able to name the exact time and nature of the awakening.  What matters is that a fundamental change has occurred in a person's thinking and feeling.  How one experiences life and pursues happiness has changed.  If it has not, then it is probably time to repeat one or more of the previous steps.

In the novel East of Eden, John Steinback writes, “A kind of light spread out...And everything changed color. And the world opened out. And a day was good to awaken to. And there were no limits to anything. And the people of the world were good and handsome. And I was not afraid any more.” 

The changes brought about through AA may not be as dramatic as the changes described in this novel, but at the end of one's first experience of the steps, not being afraid anymore is enough.

Say something.

Speaking about a spiritual awakening is challenging.  Trusting the experience was difficult for me given who I was and the experiences that I had before coming into AA. 

On the one hand, when speaking about one's spiritual experience, one does not want to come on too strongly (which, for me, is tough given that I seem to have two settings: completely off and full-speed ahead).  On the other hand, it is important to be assertive enough to make a difference in another alcoholic's life when given half-a-chance to do so.

Meetings help me to articulate my experience of the program so that when I have an opportunity to help another alcoholic, I am able to say what I have to say as succinctly as possible.  Listening to how others understand their programs helps me to understand mine, and now, as I do less and less rambling in meetings (as opposed to how I behaved early in the program), I am able to help other alcoholics simply by sharing in meetings. 

Do something.

Helping other alcoholics helps me to feel useful, and I rarely felt useful before coming into AA.  In meetings, I often hear alcoholics speak of the importance of service work, but when I am completely honest with myself, I have to admit that what often qualifies as service work may bolster one's ego.

Making coffee or emptying ashtrays is one thing.  Announcing that one made coffee or emptied ashtrays is another.  Only one of these actions fosters humility.  Only one of them contributes to sober living.

Leading meetings constitutes service work.  I have no doubt that meetings that I have led have helped men and women to achieve sobriety.  I also have no doubt that I have enjoyed the attention that I received when leading these meetings.  The fact that I know when I am ego-tripping is progress; the fact that I am unable to help myself reminds me that one of our mottos is, "progress not perfection." 

Be something.

What I have to watch, perhaps more than anything, is acting as if I have somehow graduated or completed the program.  The step that follows step twelve is step one.

I am grateful that I feel confident in my program.  I do not think about drinking often and am rarely in situations in which drinks are readily available.  If I go a while without practicing the steps that have brought me to this place in my sobriety, then I begin acting drunk, even though I am not drinking, and before long, I am thirsty for a drink.

At this point in my sobriety, life is more about what fills me up spiritually and emotionally.  When my spirit is full and I am emotionally engaged in relationships and activities that are life-giving, my life becomes the message that the twelfth step calls me to share.  In sobriety, like in active alcoholism, actions speak louder than words.

11th Step PRINCIPLE: Consciousness

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out.

Every source that I consulted before outlining this blogpost cites a different principle for the eleventh step.  Among the principles suggested are awareness of God, attune-ment, spirituality and contact.

Prayer and meditation, which are the primary actions taken in the eleventh step, heighten one's awareness of God.  Knowledge of God's will strengthens one's self-understanding and sense of mission.  Notions of spirituality in AA are vague by design so that one is able to feel in touch with a power that is greater than, and beyond, one's self without feeling squeezed by a person who, or tradition that, lacks vitality.

For me, the eleventh step is about consciousness of both one's self and the God of one's understanding. Both what I pray for and how I understand the God to whom I pray say something about me.  Self-consciousness and God-consciusness encourage sobriety.

Prayer speaks volumes.

Does prayer come naturally for you?  If it does, then what do you say, and what does how you pray reveal about your understanding of God?

I prayed regularly while I was drinking.  Since I quit drinking, I find that my prayers are more earnest than they were before, and I feel less embarrassed about speaking to God.

The God of my understanding now differs from the God of my understanding then in that I believe that God speaks through more voices now than the God of my understanding did then.  This feature of the AA program, in my opinion, enables groups to thrive.  

The openness about different interpretations of God encourages each person in AA to be engaged theologically while affirming the individual's search and respecting personal boundaries (which is a habit worth practicing).

When I pray to God, I remind myself that God is there, and when I am open and honest with this God, I tap into a power greater than myself that motivates me to help other alcoholics including myself. 

Be still and stop (over)thinking.

Meditation quiets my mind and helps me to stop thrashing around in search of control.  Saying that I have turned my will and my life over to the God of my understanding is one thing.  Actually doing it is another.

Meditation heightens my consciousness of who I am in relation to God.  When I am quiet and still, I trust God to be God.  I place myself in a position to respond to God rather than asking God to respond to me.  

As I accept my place in God's world, I become more comfortable with who I am.  I do not have to visit and revisit situations that I do not like and/or understand in an effort to control the uncontrollable, and thus, I am able to invest time and energy in the things that I can change, which leads to serenity.

Persevere again.

The pursuit of peace in one's personal life demands changes; one is changed through these stages.  When I drank regularly, silence was a scary proposition.  Now I welcome it, because it has become one of the places where I gain clarity and calmness.  

American philosopher William James, whose work is cited in the Big Book, observes that, "My experience is what I agree to attend to."  Is this your story?  This statement definitely pertains to mine.  

By attending to one's self and to the God of one's understanding, one's conscious contact with his or her essence, and with God, improves, and with this improvement, one becomes noticeably less restless, irritable and discontented and more secure, sane and satisfied.  

Attending to serenity and to sobriety produces serenity, sobriety and peace of heart and mind. 

10th Step PRINCIPLE: Perseverance

Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

Alcoholics understand defeat.  At least this one does.  

The problem with admitting defeat when one is an alcoholic is that this admission may lead the alcoholic to blame somebody else for his or her problems and/or to resort to self-pity.  The person who chooses blame and self-pity may not stay sober for long.  

Accepting that one is an alcoholic is a beginning to a life of sobriety.  Accepting responsibility for one's actions, regardless of who set the conflicts over which one obsesses in motion, builds momentum and continuing to practice acceptance in all one's affairs maintains the good life that emerges by virtue of working the steps.

Restart, repeat.

Within the steps, there is repetition, and of course, after completing step twelve, one returns to step one again.  Step ten repeats steps four through nine on a regular, and ideally, daily, basis.  When anger, fear and ill-will are addressed promptly, the destruction that follows in their wake is limited.

For me, I have become familiar enough with some of the destructive impulses in my thoughts and actions that I am able to identify and to address them before they wreak havoc on my life or the lives of others.

Even when these strong and strange thoughts and feelings sneak up on me and I give into them, or when I discover a new destructive, or self-destructive, pattern, that I had not noticed before, then I know what to do.  I center myself in the God of my understanding.  I question where these thoughts and feelings come from.  I acknowledge inappropriate behavior, and I strive to make it right with whomever I have harmed as soon as possible.

Step ten, like step one, has to be practiced every day.  If I drink, then I reset the illness that led me into the program.  If I stop taking inventory, then my thoughts and feelings, slowly but surely, become as twisted as they were when I came into the program.

I consider steps four through nine as the first bath after almost being buried alive, and I think of step ten as the daily shower that keeps one healthy, clean and attractive while reminding the alcoholic of the grave that one was digging for one's self when drinking.    

Life does not stop.

One's quality of life improves in AA, and the tenth step is one of the biggest reasons why.  To think that the quality of one's life will improve every day, however, is an unreasonable expectation (and, as is often said in meetings, expectations are resentments waiting to happen). 

Quality of life improves over time, as does the quality of one's problems.  For example, I have not been arrested for DUI, been in jail or paid an attorney or court since I have been in AA.

However, life does not stop when one stops drinking.  Excitements come, and disappointments go, and yet by staying centered in the program, I am less likely to spiral into pride or despair, both of which contributed to my drinking.        

Persevere.

The first 90 days in AA felt like boot camp to me.  I was humiliated and terrified.  I committed to attending 90 meetings in 90 days and was feeling drab physically.  I was eating ice cream by the half gallon in an effort to replace the sugar that alcohol once provided me.

At the end of 90 days, I felt that I had accomplished something and was grateful when my sponsor suggested that I cut back to five meetings per week.  After missing a meeting, however, my equilibrium seemed to be off, and I actually ended up attending more meetings than were suggested of me for a while.

What worked for me works for me.  At the end of 90 days, there is another 90 days, and if any of us are to achieve the next 90 days, then we must take care of business today, which is when the tenth step is to be practiced.

Former British Prime Minister Winston Churchill once said, "If you are going through hell, keep going."  My drinking life serves as an illustration of this point, and yet in my sober life, I am finding that the opposite also is true.

9th Step PRINCIPLE: Discipline

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, 

except when to do so would injure them or others.

Greek historian Thucydides observes that, "Self-control is the chief element in self-respect, and self-respect is the chief element in courage."

AA requires courage from the meeting throughout the 12 steps.  Courage is required for one to be honest about how much and how often one drinks when one comes into the program, and it takes courage to trust anyone or anything from a sponsor to an invisible God of one's understanding.

The courage that one begins practicing in the fourth step applies to the ninth step, which leads one out of the safety of clubhouses and meetings and into the wreckage of one's past where one meets the persons that one has wronged face-to-face without alcohol to help one to cope with the confrontation or to help one to project or to blame one's faults onto another person.

The ninth step is about assuming responsibility for past actions.  It is about taking one's medicine while remembering that the objective of taking medicine is to be made complete and whole; it is about being healed.

Be disciplined.

Children are disciplined by parents out of a desire to help them to better themselves.  Some parents are abusive, and their children are broken at an early age.  Discipline, at its best, however, builds up; it does not tear down.

Before I came into AA, I did enough tearing down for a lifetime, and while I suffered consequences, I was not built up in the process (much of which was my fault).  By looking at the past and by looking at myself in the mirror, I recognized that it was time for me to accept myself as I was, to embrace myself as may be and to ask for forgiveness.

It is important, I think, when taking the eighth and ninth steps, to be as specific as possible.  If a debt is to be forgiven, then both the debtor and the person owed must be clear about the scope and nature of the debt.  

If the problem is financial, then a lump sum or payment plan should be discussed.  If the problem is relational, then perhaps the only appropriate amends is to live a sober life.  If infidelity is involved, then it important to remember that the point of this step is to constructive and not destructive, especially when the well being of families may be at risk.    

Self-discipline.

Accepting the discipline of other parties as punishment for crimes for which one is willing to plead guilty at last is respectable; being able to avoid similar circumstances in the future is self-respectable.  The ninth helps one to notice patterns and to retrace steps that one does not wish to revisit---ever. 

Jewish theologian Abraham Joshua Heschel says, "Self-respect is the root of discipline: The sense of dignity grows with the ability to say no to oneself."  By saying "no" to the impulse to simply move on from one's past without making things right the ones whom he or she has harmed, one's dignity grows.

The same discipline that helps one not to drink also helps him or her to stay out of trouble in personal, social and professional relationships.  One does not stop thinking like an alcoholic just because one quits drinking.  For me, I have stopped acting like alcoholic, for the most part, but I have not yet stopped thinking like one. 

Act first.

In AA, actions come first.  In the first step study that I attended, the leader of the group stated repeatedly that "AA is an action program."  

The ninth step is about taking actions that bust wide open any pride or self-loathing that one has yet to turn over to the God of his or her understanding.

The actions that I took involved everything from saying that "I am sorry" to spending money.  I consider both investments.  Some of the people to whom I apologized I will never see again, but if I do, then I will be able to look them in the eyes.  

Sure, I had to hear people share stories about me that I did not want to remember, but remembering them and responding to them like an adult, rather than as a child, I am hopeful that I will not repeat them, and yet when I am wrong, I will be able to acknowledge my wrongdoing and to act constructively and accordingly, because, at last, I have practice accepting discipline.   

8th Step PRINCIPLE: Sympathy

Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Forgive me if this principle departs from the one that you associate with the eighth step, but in my experience, this step goes beyond brotherly love, which is the eighth step principle in the clubhouse where I attend the bulk of my meetings.

The eighth step is about relationships---all of them, not only the ones with one's brothers.  Alcohol had an adverse effect on most of my relationships: professional, personal and romantic.  Men and women of all ages appeared on the list of persons who I had harmed, and in this step, for the first time, I began to think seriously about how to set the record straight.

To set the record straight, to effectively take this step, one has to step outside of one's self and consider the consequences of one's drinking from another person's perspective.  One has to think what other people thought and to feel what they felt, which, in the end, is an exercise in sympathy.

Sympathy, not self-pity

Sympathy is about sharing the suffering of another person and offering comfort and encouragement.  Sharing this suffering is tricky for the alcoholic, because the alcoholic is responsible for the suffering that he or she is offering to share.

Accepting responsibility for another person's suffering is not the same as groveling.  Acceptance is marked by humility, not humiliation.  It is not about being absolved of one's actions; it is about pleading guilty in the court of another person's opinion and be willing to serve the sentence rendered.

If one writes an amends list with a particular outcome in mind, then one is setting up one's self for disappointment.  The eighth step is not about having debt forgiven without retribution or rekindling a romance.  It is about establishing a set of guidelines that will allow the alcoholic to be free from a past that cannot be changed to be changed in a future in which the principles of AA are practiced.

Share the suffering; face the future.

In the classic novel Dracula, Bram Stoker observes, "Though sympathy alone cannot alter facts, it can make them more bearable."  Step eight does not change the past; it changes the person who is willing to make amends for the consequences of his or her drinking.   

When writing one's amends list, it is important to be as clear and concise as possible about how one has wronged the other person and what the range of appropriate responses are.  For example, if the nature of the offense is financial, then one should be preparing a proposal that will eventually allow for the debt to be considered paid in full by the wronged party.  If the problem is relational, then the amends make look like a heartfelt apology that includes a promise to move on.

The eighth step requires the alcoholic to step back into the past but not to stay there.  Revisiting the past may be painful, and yet this step is essential to coming to a place in one's sobriety in which he or she neither regrets the past nor wishes to shut the door on it.      

A subtle bond 

Kate Chopin, in the novel The Awakening, writes, "Who can tell what metals the gods use in forging the subtle bond which we call sympathy, which we might as well call love."

Strange, wonderful and magical stuff happens as one prepares to meet his or her past face-to-face.  Understanding one's past from another person's perspective is humbling, and with this humility, one begins to respect one's self and one's neighbor in ways that one was incapable of doing when one's alcoholism raged.

One of the ultimate goals of the eighth step, for me at least, is forgiveness.  By the time that the amends list is complete, one should be beginning to feel better about the person one is now, because one is beginning to notice the difference between one's current and former self.  

Situations that led the former self to run away cowardly suddenly provide the occasion for stepping up and stepping into the opportunities that may be faced courageously.  If this is the life that you want for yourself, then, believe me, I am sympathetic. 

  

       

7th Step PRINCIPLE: Humility

Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

American author Ernest Hemingway says, “There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self.”

Hemingway was an alcoholic, who committed suicide in 1961.  He struggled with depression and with drinking to excess, which, in my experience, may go hand-in-hand.

Alcohol is a depressant (I am surprised how many men and women who are in AA do not know this fact when they arrive).  I do not know which comes first: alcoholism or depression.  By the time that a person suffers enough to step into that first meeting, it does not matter.

Admitting that one has a problem takes time.  So does arriving at a place in which one is willing to change and to be changed.


Now that one is entirely ready...
Step six prepares the way for step seven.  While I am not sure if anyone is ever entirely ready to have God remove one's defects of character, I do think that one comes to a place in one's sobriety in which one has to decide whether to open one's self to the future or to be haunted by the past.

For the clinically depressed person, opening one's self to the future is easier said than done, and yet for those who ask for help, especially those who ask for professional support, there is hope.

Knowing one's self and the God of one's understanding helps one to understand his or her place in the universe.  By this point in the steps, one usually has enough experience, strength and hope to know that the God of his or her understanding, who is more powerful than alcohol, is more powerful than his or her shortcomings.  


Ask.
Why would any of us be reluctant to ask God to remove our shortcomings?  Because many of us are naturally fearful.  We would rather be afraid than free, because fear is all that we know.

Fear of drinking again kept me sober for a while, but fear of drinking again is not enough when I bulge with self-pity or pride.

For me, it is helpful, when taking this step, to think about the alternatives to the shortcomings that I am asking God to remove, because when the shortcomings are removed, something has to be planted, watered and nurtured in place of them.  For example, I pray that I will be more fulfilled than self-pitying and more humble than proud.


Welcome balance.
Humility, in my experience of the program, is that the heart of AA.  Without an ounce of humility, one is incapable of taking the first step, much less the next six.

Hemingway's quotation applies here: humility is about striving to be superior to one's former self not to any other human being.  My former self (and sometimes current self), my drunk self, is self-pitying and proud.

When I am pumped up with pride, I think of myself more highly than I ought to think.  When I am caught in a web of self-pity, I look for someone other than the God of my understanding to lift me out of despair.

Since I have been in AA, I am becoming more balanced, because I am beginning to understand, practice and remember that the highs are not as high as they seem initially; neither are the lows.

I am better able to place life in perspective, because I am less likely to exaggerate the significance of any given day.  If I stay sober through whatever problems that I face today, then I will have a chance at being happier, more joyous and freer tomorrow.

6th Step PRINCIPLE: Willingness

Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

One of the questions that beginners are asked repeatedly in the AA groups in which I am active is, "Are you willing to go to any lengths to achieve sobriety?"

I ask this question of people whom I sponsor, too.  I also ask a follow-up question, "Why are you willing to go to any lengths?"

For the first 90 days, and probably more, I was motivated by fear.  I was afraid to drink, because I did not want to suffer any further consequences of alcohol abuse, and I was afraid not to drink, because I was not sure how to face the mounting consequences of my drinking without alcohol.  

Motivations change.  

Anything that helps a person to survive the first days of sobriety without hurting one's self or another person is probably a good thing, but somewhere along the way, one has to stop being motivated by something that produces anxiety, like fear, and to start being motivated by something life-giving, like hope.

One problem to consider is that alcoholics often forget about the horrible consequences of our drinking or convince ourselves that somehow it will be different next time.  If I had not come to believe that life would improve by staying sober, then I probably would be drinking again by now.  I am not suggesting that life gets better every day---it does not---but that one's ability cope with, and respond to, difficult circumstances improves with one's commitment to the program.

Now I am willing to go to any lengths so that I may enjoy the freedom that AA promises and provides, and this experience of sobriety is even better than when I was willing to go to any lengths simply because I was afraid.

Don't drink before you think.

Motivations change.  So do thought patterns.  For me, motivations changed first, and this change was more instinctual, or spiritual, than intellectual.  

Alcoholism had burned me deeply enough that I was not looking to go near that flame for a while, and while I was not drinking, the program began to work its magic in my life.

Sometimes when meetings go off-topic, or become too philosophical, someone will help the group to focus by asking, "What does this have to do with not drinking?"  Good question!  

This question is one that the person, who is not thirsty at a particular meeting, may forget to ask, and if one goes a while without asking this question, then he or she may end up at a bar.  I have heard plenty of relapse stories that begin with men and women spending too much time in their minds rather than taking the actions that lead to a better quality of life.

AA, first and foremost, is about not drinking.  Take that action first, and then take it again and again, and your focus will change for the better.   

Be clear about your defects of characters.

The willingness required in the beginning of the program is required when taking the sixth step.  I think that it is important for those of us in AA to sit with steps four and five before taking the sixth step.  

Sitting with the inventory and with the conservations with a person one trusts that follow is, in my opinion, how one becomes entirely ready to God remove the defects of character that were, and perhaps, to some extent, still are, mixed up with one's anger, resentments, fear and toxic relationships.

The prayer with which step six concludes is about letting go, which was not one of my strengths when I came into the program, and, in truth, is a strength to which I aspire often, even now.

Trust the God who challenges you.

Remember when you pray the prayer, which follows this step, that you are praying to the God of your understanding, the God who breathes life into your program.  

Be as honest as possible, and trust this God to heal and to forgive.  Remember that you are a sick person, not a bad person, and that the changes for which you are asking will take time and that you will be asked to participate in the process.

Be sure that the God of your understand is different enough from you to hold you accountable for future actions and forgiving enough to help you stay sober should the patterns that you are asking God to change repeat themselves.

After praying this prayer, you may feel lighter, but remember you will still be an alcoholic whose life is only beginning to change.  This change will be challenging, but it also will be worth it, and after you travel the road of happy destiny for a while, you will look back at the lengths to which you have gone and give thanks, because it will have been worth the effort.

5th Step PRINCIPLE: Integrity

Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

The steps build on one another, and nowhere is this pattern more evident than in step five.  Honesty, which is the first step principle, is synonymous with integrity, which is the fifth step principle. 

Steps toward integrity

Honesty and integrity, however, are not the same.  One may be honest without practicing integrity, but it is impossible to practice integrity without being honest.  When I was drinking, I did not have a problem being truthful about other people's problems; I had difficulty being truthful about mine.  

Another difference between honesty and integrity is that honesty is practiced (or not) in any given moment; integrity is earned over time.  When I came into the program, I lacked integrity, and as I sat in those first meetings, I often thought about how wonderful it would be to accumulate time.

The respect and self-respect cultivated in the fifth step is the result of a process to which a recovering alcoholic returns again and again.  Taking this step calls one to practice the courage championed in the step four, to be as hopeful as one is when taking step two and to speak frankly to the God whom one trusts in step three.

Say it out loud.

American humorist Will Rogers says, "Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip."  For me, and for everybody whom I have ever met in AA, it is too late to follow Rogers' advice in some situations. 

One of my problems in the beginning was that I blamed my problems on the parrot and the town gossip rather than on the one who is ultimately responsible for my life: me.

Sure, there are good explanations for why I was, and sometimes still am, angry.  I have been wronged.  I have followed bad advice.  I have had a series of bad breaks, and yet nothing that has appeared on any resentment list that I have ever made justifies acting out in public or lashing out toward another person.  Nothing on this list is made better by ever drinking again.

One of the objectives of the fifth step for me is to be able to look at myself in the mirror and at other people in the eyes again.  Another objective is to leave the past in the past and to live in the present as Rogers advises.

Speak openly and honestly.

The phrase that I trip over every time that I read the fifth step is "the exact nature of our wrongs."  At first, the gravity of this statement frightened me, but eventually, I arrived at a place in which I am rarely afraid, because I am not haunted by the past in the ways that I used to be.

Swiss poet and novelist Hermann Hesse says, “You are only afraid if you are not in harmony with yourself.”  Until one admits the exact nature of his wrongs to God, to one's self and to another human being, how will this person be at peace?  This person will not.

Confession is good for the soul, and for many who are taking the program seriously for the first time after decades of active alcoholism, this is especially good news, because they did not know, or had forgotten, that they had souls that could be filled with warmth and assurance after years of stone cold bitterness.  

Relate.

The warmth that the fifth step brought into my life was first and foremost in relationships.  Once I accepted responsibility for the wreckage of my past, I began to feel more and more comfortable in the presence of God and other people.  With comfort came confidence, which differs from arrogance in that  confidence invites company, arrogance pushes people away.

American poet Samuel Johnson writes that,  “There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity."  

Think about how many people come into AA feeling sad and lonely.  Think about how virtues like honesty, hope, faith, courage and integrity contribute to one's ability to love one's God, one's neighbor and one's self.  Confidence comes from understanding who one is, past and present, and not from pretending to be anything that one is not.  

There is freedom in this confidence that begins with honesty and is achieved, over time, through integrity.

4th Step PRINCIPLE: Courage

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

If you had asked me if I were courageous back when I was drinking, then I would have told you that I was.  I would have spoken at length about the professional and personal obstacles in my life that I had overcome.  At that time, alcoholism was not one of the obstacles that I had overcome.  It was overcoming and overwhelming me, and I was not yet courageous enough to ask for help.

Go backstage and evaluate the performance.

Exercising courage is not the same as being bold or brash.  Before I started working AA's steps, I was assertive to a fault.  It was not enough to have something to say; I had to call attention to myself in an effort to command the widest audience possible.  If I had a problem with you, then I would confront you publicly, not privately, because I thought of life as a performance and felt that I belonged, not behind the scenes, but on center stage.

I prided myself on my intelligence and wit, and pride went before the fall.

Be honest about the past, and trust the God of your understanding.

The fourth step afforded me an opportunity to face facts about myself and to practice the principles that are championed in the first three steps.

Step four asks an alcoholic to stand in front of the mirror sober for the first time in a long time, and if one takes "the searching and fearless moral inventory" without flinching, then one will be honest about one's past, and all of the anger, resentment, fear and bad decisions made there, and to believe that life will be better on the other side, because the God of one's understanding is caring for him or her through the process.

Complete the step---no matter what!

In Harper Lee's novel To Kill a Mockingbird, Atticus Finch says to his son Jem, who is angry about the conviction of an innocent man, "I wanted you to know what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It's when you know you're licked before you begin, but you begin anyway and see it through no matter what."

Admitting that one is powerless over alcohol and that one's life in unmanageable is almost the same as saying that one is licked.  Trusting a Power greater than one's self to see one through, no matter what, requires courage that is motivated by faith and hope, and with this motivation, one is able to see a better life on the other side of alcohol, perhaps for the first time.

Practice all of the principles, especially the most important one.

The poet Maya Angelou says that courage is "the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you cannot practice any other virtue consistently."

Courage assumes fear.  Courage does not proceed without respect to the consequences.  Courage understands the gravity of a situation and forges ahead anyway.

How many alcoholics sit down to write a fourth step and have no idea of what will appear on the list?  I am sure that one's initial list is incomplete.  One does not remember everything, because of blackouts, on the one hand, and denial, on the other.  The fourth step is about overcoming denial inasmuch as it is about confronting the anger and fear that have marred all of his or her relationships past and present.  When this denial is overcome, one takes a giant step forward in pursuit of freedom from this potentially fatal illness.

Courage counts!

The encouraging news in the fourth step is that all of the events that appear on the moral inventory are in the past, even when the consequences of them are not, and facing the consequences of past decisions is better when one has faced his or her past and is better equipped to live in the present.  As Winston Churchill, the former Prime Minister of the United Kingdom says, "Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts."

3rd Step PRINCIPLE: Faith

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.

If I made better decisions, then I would probably not be in AA.  Or I would have introduced myself to the program sooner than I did, because when I noticed that I was not able to control my drinking, I would have sought help rather than order another drink.

The judgment that I brought into the program did not serve me well, and yet as early as the second step, the program trusted me enough to formulate an understanding of God that would help me to be and stay sober.

AA is inherently optimistic.  In the first step, it asserts that men and women who are wired to drink may be able to stop and then be made happily and usefully whole.  In the second step, the program promises that the alcoholic's life will improve through faith, and in the third step, one begins to actively trust the God of his or her understanding.

Place your bets.

French philosopher Blaise Pascal suggests that faith, at best, is an educated guess, but, in truth, it is a gamble.  Pascal's wager, as it is known, says that it is better to assume the existence of God than to act as if one is alone in the universe.

If I place my faith in God, and God doesn't exist, then what I have lost?  A few more wild nights?  But: if God exists and I have faith in this God, then what I have gained?  Everything.

Conversely, if I flatly deny the existence of God and God exists, then I am subject to God's mercy (best case scenario) or wrath (worst case scenario).  If I do not believe in God and God does not exist, then I forfeit only the hope that belief in God provides.

Foster a sense of well being.

Faith and hope are not the same, but they are intimately related.  Both foster a sense of well being that diffuses anxieties and calms fears.

Hope looks forward and trusts that everything will work out for the best.  It clarifies one's place in the world in which he or she lives now, and it motivates one to act in accordance with the promises before him or her.

Faith is more deeply rooted than hope.  Sometimes hope precedes faith.  For example, one may not be able to trust the God of his or her understanding until one has a sense of what one's future with this God will be.  Often faith comes before hope, because faith is passed down from one generation to the next, and in my experience, faith flourishes in communities where human beings gather to be made well.

Encourage and be encouraged.

In the beginning, I applied Pascal's wager to my experience of AA.  I had doubts about the program and even more self-doubt.  I did my best to proceed cautiously and confidently and am happy about where the program has taken me.

Still, I remember in sitting in a Big Book study early on and thinking, "If I give AA everything that I have and AA is wrong, then what have I lost?  But if AA works and I choose not to work the program, then what would I gain?"

AA provides me with a sense of well being by placing me in an open and honest community of people who have suffered and are striving to be well.  Walking into an AA meeting is one of the most honest things that I do.  Nobody asks why I am there, because they are there for the same reason.  As we share in each other's joys and sorrows, we encourage and are encouraged.

Encouragement, in the end, may be the essence of faith and hope, which begin and end in love.

Be decisive.

AA, like life, consists of living with the consequences of a series of choices that begins with the decision to go to that first meeting.  Then, one has to decide if one is an alcoholic or not, if one is powerless over alcohol or not, if one's life is unmanageable or not, if one is able to believe in a Power greater than one's self or not and if one is insane or not.

The questions asked in the third step are: 1) Would God make better decisions directing my life than I have?; 2) Am I willing to trust God completely at this point in my sobriety?; 3) and Am I comfortable enough with my understanding of God to accept this God's care?

In AA, I am positive that I am not alone in the universe.  I feel God's presence in the stories that are told and the experiences that are shared.  Meetings help to center me and to feel connected both to the group and to the God of my understanding, who proves time after time that trust in this God is a sure bet.

2nd Step PRINCIPLE: Hope

Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

There are two big, bold pronouncements made in the second step that many alcoholics are reluctant to accept: 1) that God exists; and 2) that alcoholism is a psychological disorder.

Power greater than ourselves

I recognize that the language used in the second step is "a Power greater than ourselves," but let's face it: the program encourages belief in God.  Read on in The Big Book.  In the step three, one is asked to turn one's will and life over to the care of God as he or she understands God.

I wonder if alcoholics, who are working the steps for the first time, ever feel deceived.  I did not, but faith came naturally to me, almost as naturally as did drinking to excess.

To the person who feels rejected by the God with whom he or she was raised, this step offers hope, because AA offers theological freedom.  The God of my understanding may not look or act like yours, and yet the differences in our understandings of God do not prevent us from sitting in meetings together or helping one another to achieve sobriety.

Restored to sanity

Both the person who suffers from alcoholism and I are there for the same reason: to recover from "a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body," which, let's face it, introduces another truth that may be difficult to accept: the second step asserts that alcoholics are sick.

On the one hand, I did not like being told that I was/am insane.  However, wasn't it Albert Einstein who said that doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is the definition of "insanity"?  I considered Einstein a genius, even when I sat in the same bar, drinking the same drinks and driving home for years.

On the other hand, there was something comforting in thinking about myself as sick, as opposed to thinking of myself as bad.  Sick people heal.  Bad people are punished, dismissed and forgotten.  Maybe the God of my understanding would act compassionately and remember me.

Exodus life

Inasmuch as alcoholics strive like to think of themselves as unique, ancient wisdom helps me to practice AA's 12 steps.  For example, I am not Jewish, but the story of the Exodus helps me to think about alcoholism.  The Hebrews are slaves in Egypt until Moses leads them out.

One of the titles considered for The Big Book before it became The Big Book was A Way Out.  The big difference between slavery in Egypt and the affliction that the alcoholic suffers is that alcoholic suffering is self-imposed.  However, before I completely understood the nature of alcoholism, I was already lying to myself about how, with more self-discipline, I could manage my drinking.

I had to suffer before I could hear the voices that helped me first to understand the nature of my oppression and then to follow them through a wilderness, up steps and to a place where promises are fulfilled.

  

The assurance of things hoped for

In the Christian Scriptures, faith is defined as "the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."  The terms of the things hoped for are set by God, or in AA-speak, the God of one's understanding, who knows the way out of alcoholism.

When I came into the program, I was not sure of much.  This uncertainty did not stop me from being bombastic and making big, bold pronouncements on every subject under the sun, but it did open me to accepting the possibility of being accepted by a God who welcomed alcoholics, all alcoholics, from every station in life from which one wandered into a meeting.

When I attended my first meeting, I was sure that I would be convicted of a DUI, and yet the suggestion that the God of my understanding was with me, even when it felt like this God was not, was comforting as I faced one of the most difficult periods of my life, which, for the most part, is behind me now.

Avoiding real disaster
The Dalai Lama of Tibetan Buddhism assures his followers that, "No matter what sort of difficulties, how painful experience is, if we lose our hope, that's our real disaster."

In the final years of my drinking, it was increasingly difficult for me to imagine life getting better.  I sat in the shadow of a mountain of debt, and the wreckage of my past haunted me every day of my life.

It was not until I was arrested for a DUI and felt like I had no choice but to go to AA that life began to seem manageable again.  I knew that it would take time to clean up the mess that I created and that time was one of goals of every person in the program.  At last, the disaster of lost hope was averted, because at last, I was able to stop worrying about an imagined crisis and to start addressing a real one.

The sum of human wisdom
Alexandre Dumas, who is best known for writing The Count of Monte Cristo and The Three Musketeers, writes that all human wisdom is contained in these two words, "Wait and hope."

With jail behind me and a court appearance before me, I was not equipped to do either one, but I did not have a choice.  I had to wait and hope.

At that stage in my sobriety, feeling that I did not have a choice was good for me, because given a choice, I would drink, but after waiting and hoping for a while, I started making better choices, and now that I have made a few of them, I choose to wait and hope and am confident that good things will come from these choices.