11th Step PRINCIPLE: Consciousness

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out.

Every source that I consulted before outlining this blogpost cites a different principle for the eleventh step.  Among the principles suggested are awareness of God, attune-ment, spirituality and contact.

Prayer and meditation, which are the primary actions taken in the eleventh step, heighten one's awareness of God.  Knowledge of God's will strengthens one's self-understanding and sense of mission.  Notions of spirituality in AA are vague by design so that one is able to feel in touch with a power that is greater than, and beyond, one's self without feeling squeezed by a person who, or tradition that, lacks vitality.

For me, the eleventh step is about consciousness of both one's self and the God of one's understanding. Both what I pray for and how I understand the God to whom I pray say something about me.  Self-consciousness and God-consciusness encourage sobriety.

Prayer speaks volumes.

Does prayer come naturally for you?  If it does, then what do you say, and what does how you pray reveal about your understanding of God?

I prayed regularly while I was drinking.  Since I quit drinking, I find that my prayers are more earnest than they were before, and I feel less embarrassed about speaking to God.

The God of my understanding now differs from the God of my understanding then in that I believe that God speaks through more voices now than the God of my understanding did then.  This feature of the AA program, in my opinion, enables groups to thrive.  

The openness about different interpretations of God encourages each person in AA to be engaged theologically while affirming the individual's search and respecting personal boundaries (which is a habit worth practicing).

When I pray to God, I remind myself that God is there, and when I am open and honest with this God, I tap into a power greater than myself that motivates me to help other alcoholics including myself. 

Be still and stop (over)thinking.

Meditation quiets my mind and helps me to stop thrashing around in search of control.  Saying that I have turned my will and my life over to the God of my understanding is one thing.  Actually doing it is another.

Meditation heightens my consciousness of who I am in relation to God.  When I am quiet and still, I trust God to be God.  I place myself in a position to respond to God rather than asking God to respond to me.  

As I accept my place in God's world, I become more comfortable with who I am.  I do not have to visit and revisit situations that I do not like and/or understand in an effort to control the uncontrollable, and thus, I am able to invest time and energy in the things that I can change, which leads to serenity.

Persevere again.

The pursuit of peace in one's personal life demands changes; one is changed through these stages.  When I drank regularly, silence was a scary proposition.  Now I welcome it, because it has become one of the places where I gain clarity and calmness.  

American philosopher William James, whose work is cited in the Big Book, observes that, "My experience is what I agree to attend to."  Is this your story?  This statement definitely pertains to mine.  

By attending to one's self and to the God of one's understanding, one's conscious contact with his or her essence, and with God, improves, and with this improvement, one becomes noticeably less restless, irritable and discontented and more secure, sane and satisfied.  

Attending to serenity and to sobriety produces serenity, sobriety and peace of heart and mind. 

INTRO: Twelfth Step

The twelfth step assumes a spiritual awakening: "Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry the message to other alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs."  In AA meetings that I attend, this statement is interpreted as both threat and promise.  For the person who has had a bad experience with religion, the suggestion that being and staying sober is somehow contingent on his or her having a spiritual awakening is terrifying.  For the alcoholic who is open to, and maybe even hopes for, a spiritual awakening, this statement is encouraging.

The second assumption made in the twelfth step is that the spiritual awakening that occurs is the result of these steps.  The step does not specify which ones (and the ones that make the biggest difference probably differ from alcoholic to alcoholic).  For me, the first step helped me more than any other during the first year, and then once the craving passed, the tenth step became essential to achieving and maintaining the emotional balance that is a hallmark of serenity.  The point is that the program brings about change worth celebrating.

One of my most satisfying moments in sobriety was sitting in a meeting in which a man whom I sponsor was recognized for completing his first year.  The changes in his life were obvious to me, as, I suspect that, the changes in me were, and are, obvious to my sponsors past and present.  Noticing the changes in somebody else, like noticing their faults when I was drinking, comes more naturally than noticing what is happening with me.

To me, the twelfth step is about helping another alcoholic to achieve sobriety, regardless of the form that this help takes.  Too often, this step is reduced to participating in interventions.  The "carrying the message" language certainly points to helping another alcoholic by assisting with an intervention, and yet there are other methods for sharing one's experience, strength and hope.

Following my DUI, I was not able to drive for a few weeks.  During that time, my sponsor would give me rides to two meetings per week.  One day, when he arrived to take me to one of these meetings, I said, "Thanks for working the 12th step!"  Meaning: By giving me a ride to a meeting, you are helping me to be sober, and I appreciate your generosity.  What he heard, however, was: "Thanks for coming to perform an intervention."  He panicked.  He thought that I had started drinking again until I was able to explain what I meant.  Later, we laughed about this episode after we shared our understandings of the twelfth step.

AA is not a linear program; it is cyclical.  The steps have to be practiced again and again and again.  When I come to the end of a cycle, I begin again, and hopefully, every time that I repeat the steps, I am able to dig more deeply into the principles behind them and to practice these principles with more confidence and serenity so that when I help other alcoholics, as a sponsor or as one who shares during meetings, they will be overwhelmed by the experience, strength and hope that has changed me.

INTRO: Tenth Step

By the time that a person arrives at the tenth step, the past should be behind him or her.  The first steps helped me to unpack the baggage that I brought with me into AA.  By confronting the past, I conquered fear.  By recognizing how I contributed to the problems that I brought with me into the program, I let go of resentments on which I had fixated previously, and by virtue of these actions, suddenly, there was space in my life for serenity, which alluded me when I was drinking.

The first time that I made a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself, I was sifting through 40 years of anger, disappointments and frustration.  The fourth step, at least in theory, is daunting, but once that step has been taken, and one has set the record straight with one's self, the God of one's understanding and one's neighbors, then one may live freely in the present without looking over one's shoulder.

One of the first big thoughts that I had upon after entering the program was that, "One of biggest threats to my sobriety is my inability to stay in the present."  Every time that I thought about the past, I was afraid of the consequences that I may face, and every time I thought about the future, I became anxious about whether or not I would be able to live the life that I thought that I wanted to live.

The tenth step is about living in the present.  If one does a fourth step every day, which is essentially what the tenth step asks the alcoholic to do, then one's emotional baggage is not able to accumulate and is less likely to express itself in destructive or self-destructive ways.  I think of the tenth step as taking out the trash, and I recognize that one's home smells best when the trash is disposed daily.

I wish that I were disciplined enough to do a thorough tenth step every day.  I am making process toward this goal, but honestly, I am not yet there, even though I have noticed that I feel better in proportion to how frequently I take tenth steps.  I have experimented with different formats from written to spoken ones.  I journaled for a while using the columns laid out in The Big Book, but I did not feel like the events of everyday life were drastic or dramatic enough as the highs and lows of 20 years of active alcoholism.  

The format that works best for me now is based on the Serenity Prayer, which is prayed near the beginning of almost every AA meeting that I have ever attended: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can and the wisdom to know the difference."  Serenity comes by practicing wisdom, and I practice wisdom by looking at my life since the last tenth step and discerning which situations call for acceptance (the things that I cannot change), which ones call for courage (the things that I can, in fact, change) and how I will live in accordance with this understanding.  

Often the anxiety that I experience in my life is a direct result of trying to place a situation in the wrong column, and forcing situations into the wrong column aggravates, or are further evidence of, alcoholic thoughts and behaviors (i.e., character flaws), the only appropriate response to which is to change my thoughts and behaviors and to ask the God of my understanding to change me.

Amends eventually became instinctive.  One does not have to wait until he or she has been through some formal evaluation to recognize when he or she has offended, insulted or otherwise wronged another person, and in my experience, as one becomes more experienced making apologizes, fewer apologies are necessary, because the filter between one's thoughts and actions gets thicker and thicker.

The tenth step is about being centered in the practice that has brought one to this place in his or her sobriety.  This practice is not without challenges, especially from within, and yet it is effective for today, which, in my experience, is the only place for an alcoholic to be, because this is the only place where serenity resides.