12th PRINCIPLE: Service

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

The twelfth step assumes: 1) a spiritual awakening; 2) a message; 3) a desire to help other alcoholics; and 4) an expectation of more of the same.  

An awakening is only a beginning, but the spiritual awakening of an alcoholic is the beginning of a life facing promises rather than running from fears.  A spiritual awakening is somewhat mysterious, and the experience and celebration of this mystery differs from person to person.  

The message that the alcoholic carries is a story: his or her story and the stories being told in meeting after meeting throughout the world.  AA, at its best, is not about institution-building or proclaiming the gospel of AA, but about sharing experience, strength and hope.  Whether someone accepts another person's story as truth or not should not affect one's feelings about one's self or one's life in the program. 

Validation comes from within and from the quality of one's relationship with the God of one's understanding.  Helping another alcoholic to achieve sobriety feels good, but this feeling may be almost as habit-forming and self-indulgent as one's drinking life was before AA.

Not drinking changes one's life.  Working the steps improves one's quality of life, and it improves every aspect of the sober person's life provided that one is disciplined enough and open enough to be made happily and usefully whole.   

Wake up!

The first question that I ask alcoholics after they arrive at the twelfth step is, "How do you feel?"  The response is almost always positive.  Even among those who grumble, it does not take much to help them to acknowledge how much better they feel now than when they first came into the program.

Recognizing that one is in a completely different and better place is an acknowledgement of a spiritual awakening.  For me, it is not essential to be able to name the exact time and nature of the awakening.  What matters is that a fundamental change has occurred in a person's thinking and feeling.  How one experiences life and pursues happiness has changed.  If it has not, then it is probably time to repeat one or more of the previous steps.

In the novel East of Eden, John Steinback writes, “A kind of light spread out...And everything changed color. And the world opened out. And a day was good to awaken to. And there were no limits to anything. And the people of the world were good and handsome. And I was not afraid any more.” 

The changes brought about through AA may not be as dramatic as the changes described in this novel, but at the end of one's first experience of the steps, not being afraid anymore is enough.

Say something.

Speaking about a spiritual awakening is challenging.  Trusting the experience was difficult for me given who I was and the experiences that I had before coming into AA. 

On the one hand, when speaking about one's spiritual experience, one does not want to come on too strongly (which, for me, is tough given that I seem to have two settings: completely off and full-speed ahead).  On the other hand, it is important to be assertive enough to make a difference in another alcoholic's life when given half-a-chance to do so.

Meetings help me to articulate my experience of the program so that when I have an opportunity to help another alcoholic, I am able to say what I have to say as succinctly as possible.  Listening to how others understand their programs helps me to understand mine, and now, as I do less and less rambling in meetings (as opposed to how I behaved early in the program), I am able to help other alcoholics simply by sharing in meetings. 

Do something.

Helping other alcoholics helps me to feel useful, and I rarely felt useful before coming into AA.  In meetings, I often hear alcoholics speak of the importance of service work, but when I am completely honest with myself, I have to admit that what often qualifies as service work may bolster one's ego.

Making coffee or emptying ashtrays is one thing.  Announcing that one made coffee or emptied ashtrays is another.  Only one of these actions fosters humility.  Only one of them contributes to sober living.

Leading meetings constitutes service work.  I have no doubt that meetings that I have led have helped men and women to achieve sobriety.  I also have no doubt that I have enjoyed the attention that I received when leading these meetings.  The fact that I know when I am ego-tripping is progress; the fact that I am unable to help myself reminds me that one of our mottos is, "progress not perfection." 

Be something.

What I have to watch, perhaps more than anything, is acting as if I have somehow graduated or completed the program.  The step that follows step twelve is step one.

I am grateful that I feel confident in my program.  I do not think about drinking often and am rarely in situations in which drinks are readily available.  If I go a while without practicing the steps that have brought me to this place in my sobriety, then I begin acting drunk, even though I am not drinking, and before long, I am thirsty for a drink.

At this point in my sobriety, life is more about what fills me up spiritually and emotionally.  When my spirit is full and I am emotionally engaged in relationships and activities that are life-giving, my life becomes the message that the twelfth step calls me to share.  In sobriety, like in active alcoholism, actions speak louder than words.

11th Step PRINCIPLE: Consciousness

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out.

Every source that I consulted before outlining this blogpost cites a different principle for the eleventh step.  Among the principles suggested are awareness of God, attune-ment, spirituality and contact.

Prayer and meditation, which are the primary actions taken in the eleventh step, heighten one's awareness of God.  Knowledge of God's will strengthens one's self-understanding and sense of mission.  Notions of spirituality in AA are vague by design so that one is able to feel in touch with a power that is greater than, and beyond, one's self without feeling squeezed by a person who, or tradition that, lacks vitality.

For me, the eleventh step is about consciousness of both one's self and the God of one's understanding. Both what I pray for and how I understand the God to whom I pray say something about me.  Self-consciousness and God-consciusness encourage sobriety.

Prayer speaks volumes.

Does prayer come naturally for you?  If it does, then what do you say, and what does how you pray reveal about your understanding of God?

I prayed regularly while I was drinking.  Since I quit drinking, I find that my prayers are more earnest than they were before, and I feel less embarrassed about speaking to God.

The God of my understanding now differs from the God of my understanding then in that I believe that God speaks through more voices now than the God of my understanding did then.  This feature of the AA program, in my opinion, enables groups to thrive.  

The openness about different interpretations of God encourages each person in AA to be engaged theologically while affirming the individual's search and respecting personal boundaries (which is a habit worth practicing).

When I pray to God, I remind myself that God is there, and when I am open and honest with this God, I tap into a power greater than myself that motivates me to help other alcoholics including myself. 

Be still and stop (over)thinking.

Meditation quiets my mind and helps me to stop thrashing around in search of control.  Saying that I have turned my will and my life over to the God of my understanding is one thing.  Actually doing it is another.

Meditation heightens my consciousness of who I am in relation to God.  When I am quiet and still, I trust God to be God.  I place myself in a position to respond to God rather than asking God to respond to me.  

As I accept my place in God's world, I become more comfortable with who I am.  I do not have to visit and revisit situations that I do not like and/or understand in an effort to control the uncontrollable, and thus, I am able to invest time and energy in the things that I can change, which leads to serenity.

Persevere again.

The pursuit of peace in one's personal life demands changes; one is changed through these stages.  When I drank regularly, silence was a scary proposition.  Now I welcome it, because it has become one of the places where I gain clarity and calmness.  

American philosopher William James, whose work is cited in the Big Book, observes that, "My experience is what I agree to attend to."  Is this your story?  This statement definitely pertains to mine.  

By attending to one's self and to the God of one's understanding, one's conscious contact with his or her essence, and with God, improves, and with this improvement, one becomes noticeably less restless, irritable and discontented and more secure, sane and satisfied.  

Attending to serenity and to sobriety produces serenity, sobriety and peace of heart and mind. 

7th Step PRINCIPLE: Humility

Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

American author Ernest Hemingway says, “There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self.”

Hemingway was an alcoholic, who committed suicide in 1961.  He struggled with depression and with drinking to excess, which, in my experience, may go hand-in-hand.

Alcohol is a depressant (I am surprised how many men and women who are in AA do not know this fact when they arrive).  I do not know which comes first: alcoholism or depression.  By the time that a person suffers enough to step into that first meeting, it does not matter.

Admitting that one has a problem takes time.  So does arriving at a place in which one is willing to change and to be changed.


Now that one is entirely ready...
Step six prepares the way for step seven.  While I am not sure if anyone is ever entirely ready to have God remove one's defects of character, I do think that one comes to a place in one's sobriety in which one has to decide whether to open one's self to the future or to be haunted by the past.

For the clinically depressed person, opening one's self to the future is easier said than done, and yet for those who ask for help, especially those who ask for professional support, there is hope.

Knowing one's self and the God of one's understanding helps one to understand his or her place in the universe.  By this point in the steps, one usually has enough experience, strength and hope to know that the God of his or her understanding, who is more powerful than alcohol, is more powerful than his or her shortcomings.  


Ask.
Why would any of us be reluctant to ask God to remove our shortcomings?  Because many of us are naturally fearful.  We would rather be afraid than free, because fear is all that we know.

Fear of drinking again kept me sober for a while, but fear of drinking again is not enough when I bulge with self-pity or pride.

For me, it is helpful, when taking this step, to think about the alternatives to the shortcomings that I am asking God to remove, because when the shortcomings are removed, something has to be planted, watered and nurtured in place of them.  For example, I pray that I will be more fulfilled than self-pitying and more humble than proud.


Welcome balance.
Humility, in my experience of the program, is that the heart of AA.  Without an ounce of humility, one is incapable of taking the first step, much less the next six.

Hemingway's quotation applies here: humility is about striving to be superior to one's former self not to any other human being.  My former self (and sometimes current self), my drunk self, is self-pitying and proud.

When I am pumped up with pride, I think of myself more highly than I ought to think.  When I am caught in a web of self-pity, I look for someone other than the God of my understanding to lift me out of despair.

Since I have been in AA, I am becoming more balanced, because I am beginning to understand, practice and remember that the highs are not as high as they seem initially; neither are the lows.

I am better able to place life in perspective, because I am less likely to exaggerate the significance of any given day.  If I stay sober through whatever problems that I face today, then I will have a chance at being happier, more joyous and freer tomorrow.

6th Step PRINCIPLE: Willingness

Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

One of the questions that beginners are asked repeatedly in the AA groups in which I am active is, "Are you willing to go to any lengths to achieve sobriety?"

I ask this question of people whom I sponsor, too.  I also ask a follow-up question, "Why are you willing to go to any lengths?"

For the first 90 days, and probably more, I was motivated by fear.  I was afraid to drink, because I did not want to suffer any further consequences of alcohol abuse, and I was afraid not to drink, because I was not sure how to face the mounting consequences of my drinking without alcohol.  

Motivations change.  

Anything that helps a person to survive the first days of sobriety without hurting one's self or another person is probably a good thing, but somewhere along the way, one has to stop being motivated by something that produces anxiety, like fear, and to start being motivated by something life-giving, like hope.

One problem to consider is that alcoholics often forget about the horrible consequences of our drinking or convince ourselves that somehow it will be different next time.  If I had not come to believe that life would improve by staying sober, then I probably would be drinking again by now.  I am not suggesting that life gets better every day---it does not---but that one's ability cope with, and respond to, difficult circumstances improves with one's commitment to the program.

Now I am willing to go to any lengths so that I may enjoy the freedom that AA promises and provides, and this experience of sobriety is even better than when I was willing to go to any lengths simply because I was afraid.

Don't drink before you think.

Motivations change.  So do thought patterns.  For me, motivations changed first, and this change was more instinctual, or spiritual, than intellectual.  

Alcoholism had burned me deeply enough that I was not looking to go near that flame for a while, and while I was not drinking, the program began to work its magic in my life.

Sometimes when meetings go off-topic, or become too philosophical, someone will help the group to focus by asking, "What does this have to do with not drinking?"  Good question!  

This question is one that the person, who is not thirsty at a particular meeting, may forget to ask, and if one goes a while without asking this question, then he or she may end up at a bar.  I have heard plenty of relapse stories that begin with men and women spending too much time in their minds rather than taking the actions that lead to a better quality of life.

AA, first and foremost, is about not drinking.  Take that action first, and then take it again and again, and your focus will change for the better.   

Be clear about your defects of characters.

The willingness required in the beginning of the program is required when taking the sixth step.  I think that it is important for those of us in AA to sit with steps four and five before taking the sixth step.  

Sitting with the inventory and with the conservations with a person one trusts that follow is, in my opinion, how one becomes entirely ready to God remove the defects of character that were, and perhaps, to some extent, still are, mixed up with one's anger, resentments, fear and toxic relationships.

The prayer with which step six concludes is about letting go, which was not one of my strengths when I came into the program, and, in truth, is a strength to which I aspire often, even now.

Trust the God who challenges you.

Remember when you pray the prayer, which follows this step, that you are praying to the God of your understanding, the God who breathes life into your program.  

Be as honest as possible, and trust this God to heal and to forgive.  Remember that you are a sick person, not a bad person, and that the changes for which you are asking will take time and that you will be asked to participate in the process.

Be sure that the God of your understand is different enough from you to hold you accountable for future actions and forgiving enough to help you stay sober should the patterns that you are asking God to change repeat themselves.

After praying this prayer, you may feel lighter, but remember you will still be an alcoholic whose life is only beginning to change.  This change will be challenging, but it also will be worth it, and after you travel the road of happy destiny for a while, you will look back at the lengths to which you have gone and give thanks, because it will have been worth the effort.

5th Step PRINCIPLE: Integrity

Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

The steps build on one another, and nowhere is this pattern more evident than in step five.  Honesty, which is the first step principle, is synonymous with integrity, which is the fifth step principle. 

Steps toward integrity

Honesty and integrity, however, are not the same.  One may be honest without practicing integrity, but it is impossible to practice integrity without being honest.  When I was drinking, I did not have a problem being truthful about other people's problems; I had difficulty being truthful about mine.  

Another difference between honesty and integrity is that honesty is practiced (or not) in any given moment; integrity is earned over time.  When I came into the program, I lacked integrity, and as I sat in those first meetings, I often thought about how wonderful it would be to accumulate time.

The respect and self-respect cultivated in the fifth step is the result of a process to which a recovering alcoholic returns again and again.  Taking this step calls one to practice the courage championed in the step four, to be as hopeful as one is when taking step two and to speak frankly to the God whom one trusts in step three.

Say it out loud.

American humorist Will Rogers says, "Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip."  For me, and for everybody whom I have ever met in AA, it is too late to follow Rogers' advice in some situations. 

One of my problems in the beginning was that I blamed my problems on the parrot and the town gossip rather than on the one who is ultimately responsible for my life: me.

Sure, there are good explanations for why I was, and sometimes still am, angry.  I have been wronged.  I have followed bad advice.  I have had a series of bad breaks, and yet nothing that has appeared on any resentment list that I have ever made justifies acting out in public or lashing out toward another person.  Nothing on this list is made better by ever drinking again.

One of the objectives of the fifth step for me is to be able to look at myself in the mirror and at other people in the eyes again.  Another objective is to leave the past in the past and to live in the present as Rogers advises.

Speak openly and honestly.

The phrase that I trip over every time that I read the fifth step is "the exact nature of our wrongs."  At first, the gravity of this statement frightened me, but eventually, I arrived at a place in which I am rarely afraid, because I am not haunted by the past in the ways that I used to be.

Swiss poet and novelist Hermann Hesse says, “You are only afraid if you are not in harmony with yourself.”  Until one admits the exact nature of his wrongs to God, to one's self and to another human being, how will this person be at peace?  This person will not.

Confession is good for the soul, and for many who are taking the program seriously for the first time after decades of active alcoholism, this is especially good news, because they did not know, or had forgotten, that they had souls that could be filled with warmth and assurance after years of stone cold bitterness.  

Relate.

The warmth that the fifth step brought into my life was first and foremost in relationships.  Once I accepted responsibility for the wreckage of my past, I began to feel more and more comfortable in the presence of God and other people.  With comfort came confidence, which differs from arrogance in that  confidence invites company, arrogance pushes people away.

American poet Samuel Johnson writes that,  “There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity."  

Think about how many people come into AA feeling sad and lonely.  Think about how virtues like honesty, hope, faith, courage and integrity contribute to one's ability to love one's God, one's neighbor and one's self.  Confidence comes from understanding who one is, past and present, and not from pretending to be anything that one is not.  

There is freedom in this confidence that begins with honesty and is achieved, over time, through integrity.

3rd Step PRINCIPLE: Faith

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.

If I made better decisions, then I would probably not be in AA.  Or I would have introduced myself to the program sooner than I did, because when I noticed that I was not able to control my drinking, I would have sought help rather than order another drink.

The judgment that I brought into the program did not serve me well, and yet as early as the second step, the program trusted me enough to formulate an understanding of God that would help me to be and stay sober.

AA is inherently optimistic.  In the first step, it asserts that men and women who are wired to drink may be able to stop and then be made happily and usefully whole.  In the second step, the program promises that the alcoholic's life will improve through faith, and in the third step, one begins to actively trust the God of his or her understanding.

Place your bets.

French philosopher Blaise Pascal suggests that faith, at best, is an educated guess, but, in truth, it is a gamble.  Pascal's wager, as it is known, says that it is better to assume the existence of God than to act as if one is alone in the universe.

If I place my faith in God, and God doesn't exist, then what I have lost?  A few more wild nights?  But: if God exists and I have faith in this God, then what I have gained?  Everything.

Conversely, if I flatly deny the existence of God and God exists, then I am subject to God's mercy (best case scenario) or wrath (worst case scenario).  If I do not believe in God and God does not exist, then I forfeit only the hope that belief in God provides.

Foster a sense of well being.

Faith and hope are not the same, but they are intimately related.  Both foster a sense of well being that diffuses anxieties and calms fears.

Hope looks forward and trusts that everything will work out for the best.  It clarifies one's place in the world in which he or she lives now, and it motivates one to act in accordance with the promises before him or her.

Faith is more deeply rooted than hope.  Sometimes hope precedes faith.  For example, one may not be able to trust the God of his or her understanding until one has a sense of what one's future with this God will be.  Often faith comes before hope, because faith is passed down from one generation to the next, and in my experience, faith flourishes in communities where human beings gather to be made well.

Encourage and be encouraged.

In the beginning, I applied Pascal's wager to my experience of AA.  I had doubts about the program and even more self-doubt.  I did my best to proceed cautiously and confidently and am happy about where the program has taken me.

Still, I remember in sitting in a Big Book study early on and thinking, "If I give AA everything that I have and AA is wrong, then what have I lost?  But if AA works and I choose not to work the program, then what would I gain?"

AA provides me with a sense of well being by placing me in an open and honest community of people who have suffered and are striving to be well.  Walking into an AA meeting is one of the most honest things that I do.  Nobody asks why I am there, because they are there for the same reason.  As we share in each other's joys and sorrows, we encourage and are encouraged.

Encouragement, in the end, may be the essence of faith and hope, which begin and end in love.

Be decisive.

AA, like life, consists of living with the consequences of a series of choices that begins with the decision to go to that first meeting.  Then, one has to decide if one is an alcoholic or not, if one is powerless over alcohol or not, if one's life is unmanageable or not, if one is able to believe in a Power greater than one's self or not and if one is insane or not.

The questions asked in the third step are: 1) Would God make better decisions directing my life than I have?; 2) Am I willing to trust God completely at this point in my sobriety?; 3) and Am I comfortable enough with my understanding of God to accept this God's care?

In AA, I am positive that I am not alone in the universe.  I feel God's presence in the stories that are told and the experiences that are shared.  Meetings help to center me and to feel connected both to the group and to the God of my understanding, who proves time after time that trust in this God is a sure bet.

2nd Step PRINCIPLE: Hope

Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

There are two big, bold pronouncements made in the second step that many alcoholics are reluctant to accept: 1) that God exists; and 2) that alcoholism is a psychological disorder.

Power greater than ourselves

I recognize that the language used in the second step is "a Power greater than ourselves," but let's face it: the program encourages belief in God.  Read on in The Big Book.  In the step three, one is asked to turn one's will and life over to the care of God as he or she understands God.

I wonder if alcoholics, who are working the steps for the first time, ever feel deceived.  I did not, but faith came naturally to me, almost as naturally as did drinking to excess.

To the person who feels rejected by the God with whom he or she was raised, this step offers hope, because AA offers theological freedom.  The God of my understanding may not look or act like yours, and yet the differences in our understandings of God do not prevent us from sitting in meetings together or helping one another to achieve sobriety.

Restored to sanity

Both the person who suffers from alcoholism and I are there for the same reason: to recover from "a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body," which, let's face it, introduces another truth that may be difficult to accept: the second step asserts that alcoholics are sick.

On the one hand, I did not like being told that I was/am insane.  However, wasn't it Albert Einstein who said that doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is the definition of "insanity"?  I considered Einstein a genius, even when I sat in the same bar, drinking the same drinks and driving home for years.

On the other hand, there was something comforting in thinking about myself as sick, as opposed to thinking of myself as bad.  Sick people heal.  Bad people are punished, dismissed and forgotten.  Maybe the God of my understanding would act compassionately and remember me.

Exodus life

Inasmuch as alcoholics strive like to think of themselves as unique, ancient wisdom helps me to practice AA's 12 steps.  For example, I am not Jewish, but the story of the Exodus helps me to think about alcoholism.  The Hebrews are slaves in Egypt until Moses leads them out.

One of the titles considered for The Big Book before it became The Big Book was A Way Out.  The big difference between slavery in Egypt and the affliction that the alcoholic suffers is that alcoholic suffering is self-imposed.  However, before I completely understood the nature of alcoholism, I was already lying to myself about how, with more self-discipline, I could manage my drinking.

I had to suffer before I could hear the voices that helped me first to understand the nature of my oppression and then to follow them through a wilderness, up steps and to a place where promises are fulfilled.

  

The assurance of things hoped for

In the Christian Scriptures, faith is defined as "the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."  The terms of the things hoped for are set by God, or in AA-speak, the God of one's understanding, who knows the way out of alcoholism.

When I came into the program, I was not sure of much.  This uncertainty did not stop me from being bombastic and making big, bold pronouncements on every subject under the sun, but it did open me to accepting the possibility of being accepted by a God who welcomed alcoholics, all alcoholics, from every station in life from which one wandered into a meeting.

When I attended my first meeting, I was sure that I would be convicted of a DUI, and yet the suggestion that the God of my understanding was with me, even when it felt like this God was not, was comforting as I faced one of the most difficult periods of my life, which, for the most part, is behind me now.

Avoiding real disaster
The Dalai Lama of Tibetan Buddhism assures his followers that, "No matter what sort of difficulties, how painful experience is, if we lose our hope, that's our real disaster."

In the final years of my drinking, it was increasingly difficult for me to imagine life getting better.  I sat in the shadow of a mountain of debt, and the wreckage of my past haunted me every day of my life.

It was not until I was arrested for a DUI and felt like I had no choice but to go to AA that life began to seem manageable again.  I knew that it would take time to clean up the mess that I created and that time was one of goals of every person in the program.  At last, the disaster of lost hope was averted, because at last, I was able to stop worrying about an imagined crisis and to start addressing a real one.

The sum of human wisdom
Alexandre Dumas, who is best known for writing The Count of Monte Cristo and The Three Musketeers, writes that all human wisdom is contained in these two words, "Wait and hope."

With jail behind me and a court appearance before me, I was not equipped to do either one, but I did not have a choice.  I had to wait and hope.

At that stage in my sobriety, feeling that I did not have a choice was good for me, because given a choice, I would drink, but after waiting and hoping for a while, I started making better choices, and now that I have made a few of them, I choose to wait and hope and am confident that good things will come from these choices. 

INTRO: Eleventh Step

Before I came into AA, I prayed often and meditated never.  Praying improved my conscious contact with God, as I understood God.  The problem was that contact does not lead anywhere when one does not feel anything.  Subconsciously, I blamed God for the setbacks that I faced in life.  Some of them, like alcoholism, were related to nature.  Other disappointments may have been attributed to bad decisions and/or bad luck.  Still, I wondered, "Why doesn't the God of my understanding intervene?"

I prayed at the hospital between the scene of the accident and being taken to jail for the DUI, and I prayed in jail.  When I attended my first AA meeting, I prayed the Serenity Prayer with the group in the beginning of the meeting and the Lord's Prayer with them in the end.

The thought of meditating made me laugh.  I was the opposite of a contemplative when I came into the program.  Meditation, I thought, was for men and women who were comfortable withdrawing from the world and sitting with themselves.  It was not for the person whose body still ached from drunk-driving into an inanimate object.

AA changed my prayer life, and this change started by praying as often as I did with men and women who were as desperate as me.  Even after I accrued some time in the program, praying with a group of other alcoholics was different than praying within a faith community.  Alcoholics may be called to prayer with profanity (a feature of life in AA that still makes me laugh), and yet the only thing that is considered profane in AA is not taking sobriety seriously.

Everybody at an AA meeting has come to a place in which he or she had to admit that he or she belonged there, and for those with some time in the program, remembering his or her first meeting always breeds gratitude.  Praying not only improves my conscious contact with God, it also improves my conscious contact with others whose hearts yearn for healing and wholeness as much as mine does.

I did not experiment with meditation until my second year of sobriety.  Now that I have, I think about meditating differently.  For years, I have heard people say, "Prayer is talking to God; meditation is listening to God," and yet the meditation experiences that are the most meaningful to me are the ones without words, not mine or God's.

I sit regularly with a group of Buddhists, who have taught me the spiritual and psychological value of being still.  I sit for a half-hour at a time with this group and think about nothing but my breath, which, of course, is a power greater than myself.  I have the same sense of relief and relaxation after meditating that I do after attending an AA meeting.  Both provide me with an alternative to going through life restless, irritable and discontented.

I pray for God's will for me, even though experience has taught me to be careful when I become too clear about what God's plan for me is.  When I pray for this knowledge, I find that I may become impatient.  Once I think that I know what God's will is, I think that change should come quickly.  Sometimes I complain, because I want God to disclose more of the future than God is in the business of disclosing.  I am aggressive in pursuing what I interpret God's will for my life to be, and yet I find that I am more content when I focus on receiving the day than seizing it.

Stuff happens, even in sobriety, and yet when I am centered spiritually, even the most tragic events are bearable.  Prayer and meditation center me spiritually, like steps four through ten center me emotionally.  By practicing the steps together, I find balance in my life, and with this balance, I am able to be at peace and to help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety.

INTRO: Eighth Step

Previously, I noted that was I raised in home where God was like Santa Claus.  Praying was about asking for what one wanted and then trying to persuade God to provide by practicing piety.  When God did not act quickly enough when I asked for something, I appealed to Mom, who was, and is, always looking for an occasion to shop.  She almost always gave me what I asked for, provided that I completed whatever emotional obstacle course that she set before me.

By the time that I arrived at the eighth step, I was familiar with the notion of making a list.  I did not expect the resentment list that I made when taking the fourth step to be the one that I would be checking twice when I started noting who I had wronged.  Returning to this list after identifying and examining the destructive and self-destructive behavioral patterns in my life was a humbling experience---almost as humbling as starting to ask God to remove these defects of character every day.  I sought change, and yet I was not completely sure of the change for which I was asking or what I expected.  For the change to be lasting, it had to seem authentic; it had to be authentic.

What I had to watch, and to be prepared to change, then and now, are actions that are motivated by self-pity or pride, which, as looked at that first resentment list, more often than not, contributed to the resentments that, more often than not, were expressions of fear or feelings of failure related to ridiculously high expectations.  While considering who I had harmed with my sponsor, saying that this person or that person deserved my wrath was not an acceptable response, because harboring grudges does nothing to promote one's sobriety.

Of course, some anger and actions are impossible to justify, even by an alcoholic.  Revisiting the resentment list, I created a list of people I had wronged.  Then I was asked to create a list of people I had wronged who had not wronged me.  At first, I was not sure that I could come up with one, but as I looked at how my resentments affected innocent bystanders, sometimes years after the fact, I was able to put together a list to which I would add names as I remembered them, sometimes in the middle of the night, often first thing in the morning (and now that the haze of active alcoholism has passed, I still remember stories).  

Please note that making a list is the first half of this step.  Becoming willing to make amends to all whom one has wronged is the second half.  AA recognizes that it takes a while for obsessive personality types to warm to the notion of change, especially changes in them or in their circumstances.  For example, one comes to believe in God in the second step; the searching and fearless moral inventory in step four is separate from, and a prelude to, sharing the results in step five.  All that step eight requires in terms of making amends is a willingness to do so.

It is surprising to note that step eight is the first place in the steps where the term "willingness" appears, especially when one considers how many open discussion meetings are based on the subject of willingness.  Until this point, the only hint of willingness is in step three when one turns one's will and life over to the care of the God of his or her understanding.  One's willingness to be cared for, which differs from being given everything that one asks for, precedes one's willingness to make amends so that one may be assured of comfort as one takes the next step toward freedom from a past that cannot be changed in anticipation of a future in which one will be changed by the God of his or her understanding.

INTRO: Seventh Step

The wisdom that other alcoholics share at meetings is essential to recovery.  In the beginning of my AA experience, I was desperate, which, among other things, meant that, for the first time in a long time, I was at a place in which I was willing to listen.  Almost all of my adult life, I thought that I deserved more than I had, and yet by the time that I crawled into AA, hoping against hope for a better life, I recognized that I did not know everything, and I wondered if what I did know would help me to feel good about myself and the mark that I was making in, and on, the world.

To quote another alcoholic, who spoke eloquently in one of the first meetings that I attended, "I felt like a piece of shit in the center of the universe."  I felt badly about myself and judged myself by standards that would not allow these feelings to change, and yet I craved the spotlight and believed that if people really knew me, they would be able to find something amazing in me that I could not, or would not, find in myself.

I was humiliated when I came into AA, and the distinction between humiliation and humility may be helpful here.  Humiliation is not just feeling like a piece of shit; it is knowing that others share one's low opinion of one's self and fixating on this knowledge.  Being handcuffed, bailed out of jail and appearing before a judge confirmed that I was not better than anybody else.  The law that applied to people that I dismissed as less sophisticated than me also applied to me, and I had to come to terms with the fact that I was not any better at obeying the law than I was at moderating my drinking.  Something had to change.  I had to ask for help.

Humility, which is one of the objectives of the seventh step, enables a person to be comfortable in his or her own skin without having to set himself or herself apart as better than the rivals that he or she manufactures out of thin air.  Being set apart leads to feelings of loneliness.  Humility allows one to be part of a group without establishing a place in the hierarchy.

A humble person is comfortable on stage and working behind the scenes.  He or she finds value in everything that he or she does and in the world around him or her and is fulfilled by whatever it is he or she is doing.  A humble person is not weighed down by guilt or shame.  This person is open-minded and opened-hearted enough to accept whatever the God of his or her understanding gives to him.

The action called for the seventh step is to "humbly ask God to remove his (or her) shortcomings."  This step assumes that the person in recovery is increasingly comfortable with the God to whom he or she was introduced step three and that this person is no longer in denial about the guilt, pride, shame, arrogance and fear that led to the consequences that led him or her into the program.  The trust that one places in another person in step six is extended to God in step seven.

In my experience, one's faith in himself or herself grows in proportion to his or her faith in God and in other human beings and vice versa.  This faith is made possible through self-awareness, the beginning of which is the searching and fearless moral inventory in step four.  For me, saying what I had to say to the God of my understanding was not as difficult as saying what I had to say to another person, because the God of my understanding was with me in the past, is with me now and will be with me in the future.  Plus, I did not worry about the God of my understanding saying anything to anybody about what I confided in this God.

Obviously, I was only beginning to trust again, and yet by this stage in recovery, it seemed as if life was beginning again, which signaled a drastic change in my thoughts and feelings.  I was not as anxious as I used to be.  When I came into AA, it seemed as if life was crashing around me, but suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, though I am sure that it was by virtue of the steps, I started believing that something beautiful could be built from the wreckage of the past.

    

INTRO: Sixth Step

One of the first places that I found myself clearly described in The Big Book was in the phrase "restless, irritable and discontent".  I was never satisfied with anyone or anything.  I liked having options.  I thrashed around in search of a better job, a better relationship and a better city.  Of course, it is impossible to know what "better" is when one is unsure of who one is, where one is going or what he or she really wants.  I lacked direction but was highly motivated to chase whatever opportunity presented itself with reckless abandon, because I did not do anything in moderation.  When I came into AA, drinking was not my only problem.

Steps four and five helped me to understand why I did what I did and felt what I felt.  I suffered because of what I did to myself and to others.  I noticed patterns of destructive and self-destructive behaviors that were often fueled by pride, on the one hand, and self-pity, on the other hand.  I specialized in self-sabotage.  Until I was willing to change and be changed, I would not have a chance at being satisfied with who I am, where I am or what I am doing.      

The sixth step calls for two disciplines with which I did not have much experience when I came into the program: focus and patience.  This step requires a person to be "entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."  I do not know that I ever considered myself entirely ready to do anything, especially something that would eliminate one or more of the many options that I cherished.  I worried that giving up dishonesty would adversely affect my ability to survive, and maybe thrive, professionally and personally, even though I knew that dishonesty contributed to the past that I was only beginning to remember without grimacing.  Giving up wicked emotions and the irrational behavior that accompanied them was difficult enough without submitting to someone's timeline, namely God's, but in the end, I determined that God's plan may be better mine.

Being entirely ready and actually taking the next step are distinct actions.  Both require patience.  Sometimes I sense a big difference in my thoughts and feelings immediately after taking a step.  Often the changes take time.  As I accumulate years in the program, I gain a deeper and deeper appreciation of the value of time.  Life is not about rushing somewhere; it is definitely not about rushing nowhere.  Life is to be savored soberly, according to the rhythm of God's life, not mine.  Of this truth, I cannot be reminded enough.

INTRO: Third Step

Years ago, I asked for help, but as I became an adult, I stopped asking and started demanding that I be given what I thought that I deserved.

One's understanding of faith and life begins at home, I think, because home is the place where one first experiences everything from authority to autonomy.  On the one hand, my parents provided me with food, shelter and educational opportunities.  On the other hand, they were prone to emotional outbursts, which led to feeling unsafe and unsure of how to pursue thriving relationships. 

Looking to protect myself, I retreated into books.  With this education, I distanced myself from faith and life and expected good things to happen by virtue of my accomplishments.  When life did not meet my expectations, I drank, and then I drank some more.  Now I attend meetings with other men and women who sabotaged their lives with lofty expectations.

AA's third step calls for a decisive action: to turn one's will and one's life over to the care of God as one understands God.  This statement assumes: 1) that one knows what one's will for his or her life is; 2) that one is able to experience God's care; and 3) that one's understanding of God allows for a meaningful relationship to exist between this person and God.

As an adult, I have changed cities and jobs often.  Every time that I transitioned from one situation to the next, I was abundantly clear about why I was making this change.  I have pursued different career paths and seem to prefer whichever one I am not pursuing at the time.  Since becoming a member of AA, I am clearer about the nature of the work that I find fulfilling, but I am less certain about what this work looks like in everyday life.  By understanding who I am, I am better able to be in a relationship with anybody, including God, and to follow wherever God leads me in recovery.  

It is difficult to understand why I was reluctant to turn my will and my life over to anybody or anything, especially God, before coming into the program, because, as an active alcoholic, I was never in control.  I was controlling in professional and personal relationships, but I was not disciplined enough to achieve, much less sustain, meaning, magic or success in any area of my life.  

Because I was unable to meet the expectations that I set for myself, feelings of failure haunted me.  I looked to others to help me in ways that I was unwilling to help other people.  When they could not, or would not, help me, then I began to think of the world as a cruel and harsh place.  I did not trust anybody, especially myself, because I assumed that everybody was as selfish as me.  I felt abandoned by God and neighbor and that nobody was willing to give me a second or third chance.  I was not willing to forgive myself or anybody else and assumed that everybody else was as unforgiving as me.

I was raised in a home where Christmas is celebrated and the line between Jesus and Santa is often blurred.  As an adult, I have come to think of Christ as compassionate and God as forgiving, although I was taught from an early age that God gives commandments to an imperfect people and then judges them for being imperfect.  Christmas seemed like a time to pay off the emotional debts of the past year.  All was to be forgiven if the parents spent enough money on gifts.  In the end, I believed in asking for presents but not in forgiveness.  Now I believe in humility, which asks for nothing but peace.

The God of my understanding is forgiving and empowering, and I am finding that the more that I trust this understanding of God, the better I feel about myself and about other people.  I feel safe more often than I feel threatened.  I am more forgiving, because I feel forgiven.  Even though the third step seems to emphasize understanding God, I am finding that the third step is actually about experiencing God as a peaceful presence in one's life, work and relationships, especially those circumstances in which peace is brought about only through forgiveness.