Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
The twelfth step assumes: 1) a spiritual awakening; 2) a message; 3) a desire to help other alcoholics; and 4) an expectation of more of the same.
An awakening is only a beginning, but the spiritual awakening of an alcoholic is the beginning of a life facing promises rather than running from fears. A spiritual awakening is somewhat mysterious, and the experience and celebration of this mystery differs from person to person.
The message that the alcoholic carries is a story: his or her story and the stories being told in meeting after meeting throughout the world. AA, at its best, is not about institution-building or proclaiming the gospel of AA, but about sharing experience, strength and hope. Whether someone accepts another person's story as truth or not should not affect one's feelings about one's self or one's life in the program.
Validation comes from within and from the quality of one's relationship with the God of one's understanding. Helping another alcoholic to achieve sobriety feels good, but this feeling may be almost as habit-forming and self-indulgent as one's drinking life was before AA.
Not drinking changes one's life. Working the steps improves one's quality of life, and it improves every aspect of the sober person's life provided that one is disciplined enough and open enough to be made happily and usefully whole.
Wake up!
The first question that I ask alcoholics after they arrive at the twelfth step is, "How do you feel?" The response is almost always positive. Even among those who grumble, it does not take much to help them to acknowledge how much better they feel now than when they first came into the program.
Recognizing that one is in a completely different and better place is an acknowledgement of a spiritual awakening. For me, it is not essential to be able to name the exact time and nature of the awakening. What matters is that a fundamental change has occurred in a person's thinking and feeling. How one experiences life and pursues happiness has changed. If it has not, then it is probably time to repeat one or more of the previous steps.
In the novel East of Eden, John Steinback writes, “A kind of light spread out...And everything changed color. And the world opened out. And a day was good to awaken to. And there were no limits to anything. And the people of the world were good and handsome. And I was not afraid any more.”
The changes brought about through AA may not be as dramatic as the changes described in this novel, but at the end of one's first experience of the steps, not being afraid anymore is enough.
Say something.
Speaking about a spiritual awakening is challenging. Trusting the experience was difficult for me given who I was and the experiences that I had before coming into AA.
On the one hand, when speaking about one's spiritual experience, one does not want to come on too strongly (which, for me, is tough given that I seem to have two settings: completely off and full-speed ahead). On the other hand, it is important to be assertive enough to make a difference in another alcoholic's life when given half-a-chance to do so.
Meetings help me to articulate my experience of the program so that when I have an opportunity to help another alcoholic, I am able to say what I have to say as succinctly as possible. Listening to how others understand their programs helps me to understand mine, and now, as I do less and less rambling in meetings (as opposed to how I behaved early in the program), I am able to help other alcoholics simply by sharing in meetings.
Do something.
Helping other alcoholics helps me to feel useful, and I rarely felt useful before coming into AA. In meetings, I often hear alcoholics speak of the importance of service work, but when I am completely honest with myself, I have to admit that what often qualifies as service work may bolster one's ego.
Making coffee or emptying ashtrays is one thing. Announcing that one made coffee or emptied ashtrays is another. Only one of these actions fosters humility. Only one of them contributes to sober living.
Leading meetings constitutes service work. I have no doubt that meetings that I have led have helped men and women to achieve sobriety. I also have no doubt that I have enjoyed the attention that I received when leading these meetings. The fact that I know when I am ego-tripping is progress; the fact that I am unable to help myself reminds me that one of our mottos is, "progress not perfection."
Be something.
What I have to watch, perhaps more than anything, is acting as if I have somehow graduated or completed the program. The step that follows step twelve is step one.
I am grateful that I feel confident in my program. I do not think about drinking often and am rarely in situations in which drinks are readily available. If I go a while without practicing the steps that have brought me to this place in my sobriety, then I begin acting drunk, even though I am not drinking, and before long, I am thirsty for a drink.
At this point in my sobriety, life is more about what fills me up spiritually and emotionally. When my spirit is full and I am emotionally engaged in relationships and activities that are life-giving, my life becomes the message that the twelfth step calls me to share. In sobriety, like in active alcoholism, actions speak louder than words.
