12th PRINCIPLE: Service

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

The twelfth step assumes: 1) a spiritual awakening; 2) a message; 3) a desire to help other alcoholics; and 4) an expectation of more of the same.  

An awakening is only a beginning, but the spiritual awakening of an alcoholic is the beginning of a life facing promises rather than running from fears.  A spiritual awakening is somewhat mysterious, and the experience and celebration of this mystery differs from person to person.  

The message that the alcoholic carries is a story: his or her story and the stories being told in meeting after meeting throughout the world.  AA, at its best, is not about institution-building or proclaiming the gospel of AA, but about sharing experience, strength and hope.  Whether someone accepts another person's story as truth or not should not affect one's feelings about one's self or one's life in the program. 

Validation comes from within and from the quality of one's relationship with the God of one's understanding.  Helping another alcoholic to achieve sobriety feels good, but this feeling may be almost as habit-forming and self-indulgent as one's drinking life was before AA.

Not drinking changes one's life.  Working the steps improves one's quality of life, and it improves every aspect of the sober person's life provided that one is disciplined enough and open enough to be made happily and usefully whole.   

Wake up!

The first question that I ask alcoholics after they arrive at the twelfth step is, "How do you feel?"  The response is almost always positive.  Even among those who grumble, it does not take much to help them to acknowledge how much better they feel now than when they first came into the program.

Recognizing that one is in a completely different and better place is an acknowledgement of a spiritual awakening.  For me, it is not essential to be able to name the exact time and nature of the awakening.  What matters is that a fundamental change has occurred in a person's thinking and feeling.  How one experiences life and pursues happiness has changed.  If it has not, then it is probably time to repeat one or more of the previous steps.

In the novel East of Eden, John Steinback writes, “A kind of light spread out...And everything changed color. And the world opened out. And a day was good to awaken to. And there were no limits to anything. And the people of the world were good and handsome. And I was not afraid any more.” 

The changes brought about through AA may not be as dramatic as the changes described in this novel, but at the end of one's first experience of the steps, not being afraid anymore is enough.

Say something.

Speaking about a spiritual awakening is challenging.  Trusting the experience was difficult for me given who I was and the experiences that I had before coming into AA. 

On the one hand, when speaking about one's spiritual experience, one does not want to come on too strongly (which, for me, is tough given that I seem to have two settings: completely off and full-speed ahead).  On the other hand, it is important to be assertive enough to make a difference in another alcoholic's life when given half-a-chance to do so.

Meetings help me to articulate my experience of the program so that when I have an opportunity to help another alcoholic, I am able to say what I have to say as succinctly as possible.  Listening to how others understand their programs helps me to understand mine, and now, as I do less and less rambling in meetings (as opposed to how I behaved early in the program), I am able to help other alcoholics simply by sharing in meetings. 

Do something.

Helping other alcoholics helps me to feel useful, and I rarely felt useful before coming into AA.  In meetings, I often hear alcoholics speak of the importance of service work, but when I am completely honest with myself, I have to admit that what often qualifies as service work may bolster one's ego.

Making coffee or emptying ashtrays is one thing.  Announcing that one made coffee or emptied ashtrays is another.  Only one of these actions fosters humility.  Only one of them contributes to sober living.

Leading meetings constitutes service work.  I have no doubt that meetings that I have led have helped men and women to achieve sobriety.  I also have no doubt that I have enjoyed the attention that I received when leading these meetings.  The fact that I know when I am ego-tripping is progress; the fact that I am unable to help myself reminds me that one of our mottos is, "progress not perfection." 

Be something.

What I have to watch, perhaps more than anything, is acting as if I have somehow graduated or completed the program.  The step that follows step twelve is step one.

I am grateful that I feel confident in my program.  I do not think about drinking often and am rarely in situations in which drinks are readily available.  If I go a while without practicing the steps that have brought me to this place in my sobriety, then I begin acting drunk, even though I am not drinking, and before long, I am thirsty for a drink.

At this point in my sobriety, life is more about what fills me up spiritually and emotionally.  When my spirit is full and I am emotionally engaged in relationships and activities that are life-giving, my life becomes the message that the twelfth step calls me to share.  In sobriety, like in active alcoholism, actions speak louder than words.

1st Step PRINCIPLE: Honesty

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol---that our lives had become unmanageable.

I have attended AA meetings throughout the United States, and in many of the clubhouses where I have attended meetings, a list of 12 principles appear alongside of the 12 steps and 12 traditions.  

The principles

The principles on this list differ from clubhouse to clubhouse.  The differences are not drastic, but I feel that I should acknowledge them in the beginning of this series so that if the principles that I discuss here are different from the ones that appear in the place where you attend meetings you will understand why (alcoholics, in my experience, are reluctant to trust other people, so I am careful to nuance what I say in an effort to establish credibility from the beginning of this series).

The practices

The principle practiced in the first step is honesty, and honesty, in my experience, does not come naturally to alcoholics.   Before I came into the program, I was able to twist any story to say whatever I wanted it to say.  Often I deceived others; sometimes I deceived myself (especially when I thought that people believed the same lie that I had been telling for years).  

The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

Fundamentally, honesty is about telling the truth, and yet it is much, much more.  Honesty is not simply the absence of lying; it is telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth regardless of whether it advances one's personal agenda.  It assumes knowledge of one's self and situation and a willingness to share this knowledge with another person so that he or she may be helped.  

The result of honesty is trust.  One starts trusting his or her judgment and the judgment of others (for me, trusting others came first, but I am sure that for some, trust starts with one's self).  Being able to trust another person over a long period of time results in loyalty, and with a sense of support and experience with being supportive, one comes to feel part of the group to which he or she belongs.

Admission

In AA, the first act of honesty is admitting: 1) that one is powerless over alcohol; and 2) that life is unmanageable.  "Admission" language assumes that something is concealed (or at least one thinks that something is concealed).  It also implies wrongdoing and hints at willingness to change.

Admitting that one is powerless over alcohol and that life has become unmanageable bumps up against one's pride, and even though I was humiliated when I came into AA, I still had an extraordinary amount of pride, especially for a person who was recently released from jail.

Practicing the first step imparts life skills that help beyond not drinking, but when one comes into the program, not drinking may be all that one can think about, because the consequences of his or her drinking sit like elephants in the meeting room.       

Be yourself.

From an early age, I was taught to, "Be myself."  Later in life, I wondered, "What if one is an asshole?"

The line between being an alcoholic and an asshole is fine.  With enough to drink, I always was myself, and this self was an asshole.  Of course, the next morning, I would blame whatever I did or said on alcohol, and yet as I stepped into recovery, I began to think of myself as the person who did and said all of these embarrassing things.

Being one's self leads to a better quality of life.  Being one's self while drinking alcoholically leads to consequences that lead one into the program, and being one's self while suffering these consequences, leads to the admissions of powerlessness and unmanageability.

Be open to being empowered.

One of the biggest lies that I told myself was that alcohol helped me to relax.  Nothing could have been further from the truth.  When I drank, I gave myself permission to go to the darkest and most vitriolic places in my psyche and to be honest about how I felt about other people.  All of the feelings that I expressed were negative, and sharing these feelings did not bring about trust or loyalty.

Russian novelist Fyodor Dostoyevsky wrote, "Nothing in this world is harder than speaking the truth, nothing easier than flattery."  For me, as an active alcoholic, nothing was harder than speaking the truth about myself, though flattering myself was one of the few practices that I did well.  The opposite was true with respect to my thoughts and feelings about other people.  I preferred criticizing to complimenting, which led to feeling increasingly disconnected from my peers.

Be willing to change.

When I came into AA, this pattern had to change.  I had to begin to look as critically at myself as I looked at other people, and I had to begin to overlook the qualities in other people, especially members of AA, that led me to dark and vitriolic places so that I could let them help me help myself.

Given where I was when I came into the program, it was not difficult to find men and women who seemed more empowered than was I.  Life seemed more manageable to them, and yet I still found myself judging them by some ridiculous standard that, in the end, was more alcoholic than sober.

When I stepped up and accepted responsibility for the actions that led me into AA, I opened myself to the possibility of life without alcohol.  I was not sure if this life would be better, but I was convinced that it would not be worse.  For the first time in a long time, I was being honest with myself, and with time, I started being more honest with other men and women, and slowly but surely, I started feeling better about myself again.

INTRO: Sixth Step

One of the first places that I found myself clearly described in The Big Book was in the phrase "restless, irritable and discontent".  I was never satisfied with anyone or anything.  I liked having options.  I thrashed around in search of a better job, a better relationship and a better city.  Of course, it is impossible to know what "better" is when one is unsure of who one is, where one is going or what he or she really wants.  I lacked direction but was highly motivated to chase whatever opportunity presented itself with reckless abandon, because I did not do anything in moderation.  When I came into AA, drinking was not my only problem.

Steps four and five helped me to understand why I did what I did and felt what I felt.  I suffered because of what I did to myself and to others.  I noticed patterns of destructive and self-destructive behaviors that were often fueled by pride, on the one hand, and self-pity, on the other hand.  I specialized in self-sabotage.  Until I was willing to change and be changed, I would not have a chance at being satisfied with who I am, where I am or what I am doing.      

The sixth step calls for two disciplines with which I did not have much experience when I came into the program: focus and patience.  This step requires a person to be "entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."  I do not know that I ever considered myself entirely ready to do anything, especially something that would eliminate one or more of the many options that I cherished.  I worried that giving up dishonesty would adversely affect my ability to survive, and maybe thrive, professionally and personally, even though I knew that dishonesty contributed to the past that I was only beginning to remember without grimacing.  Giving up wicked emotions and the irrational behavior that accompanied them was difficult enough without submitting to someone's timeline, namely God's, but in the end, I determined that God's plan may be better mine.

Being entirely ready and actually taking the next step are distinct actions.  Both require patience.  Sometimes I sense a big difference in my thoughts and feelings immediately after taking a step.  Often the changes take time.  As I accumulate years in the program, I gain a deeper and deeper appreciation of the value of time.  Life is not about rushing somewhere; it is definitely not about rushing nowhere.  Life is to be savored soberly, according to the rhythm of God's life, not mine.  Of this truth, I cannot be reminded enough.