Only so much in life may be quantified: for example, time and money. The value of everything else, from heartache to joy, is approximated. Both numbers and experience are subject to interpretation, and interpretations make the biggest difference when they are shared.
I drank for 21 years, and by the time that I quit, I was spending $5000-$6000 per year on booze. I am sure that there were fewer amazing experiences than I remember, because truth be told, I do not remember much, and by the time that I arrived in AA, the pattern was rather boring: I drank as soon, and as often, as it was prudent for me to do so, went to sleep/passed out and if it were early enough when I woke up/came to, I would drink more.
The steps helped me to understand how I drank and why I drank. Even with a plan to stop before I drank too much, once I started drinking, quitting was not an option. The best and only defense against this phenomenon was, and is, not to take the first drink. I drank because I had problems, from psychological to interpersonal to social problems, and drinking always made bad situations worse.
When I started feeling better physically and emotionally (and for me, the changes occurred in that order) following my introduction to the program, I started being more honest about myself, my past and how my blatant disregard for self-destruction impacted others.
Guilt is good only to a point. It helped me to complete the searching and fearless moral inventory, to recognize the part that I played in the drama of my life and to notice patterns that I strive not to repeat in my sober life. I prayed, and continue to pray, for God to help me to lead a life in which fewer apologies are necessary by changing my emotional default settings.
Among alcoholics, steps four, five and nine have reputations for being the toughest. The fourth step is about looking in a well-lit mirror in which one's faults are glaring. The fifth step requires the alcoholic to trust another person enough to ask him and her to look into the mirror with you, and after consulting with the alcoholic about what he or she sees, the ninth step is about implementing the plan by which the alcoholic will make amends.
The best advice that I received as I prepared to take the ninth step was to take this step without shame. I was told to say what I had to say. Be honest. Accept responsibility. Do what was necessary to make it right, and look the people to whom I was apologizing in the eyes.
As much as I was taught to dread the ninth step, my experience of it was anti-climatic. I imagined every encounter to be more confrontational and painful than it actually was. Figuring out what the amends looked like was the toughest part. When I was not sure how to right a particular wrong, I asked the person whom I had wronged. When I was not sure would injure another person, I asked my sponsor.
Most of my amends were face-to-face. One was a carefully worded letter. Sometimes money or promises were involved. The amends helped me to clear my conscience, to be sober, and yet it was also important to me that I do my best to help the other person hear me when I said, "I'm sorry."
The work-related amends were simple and straight-forward conversations that included a few measurable guidelines. The bulk of the personal amends were offered and accepted verbally. In some cases, the person(s) to whom I apologized seemed suspicious about whether I was sober, or would stay sober, and in these cases, it was important to me to be as sincere as possible and not allow their responses to spark resentment or fear.
Confession: I am not completely comfortable with "the living amends" language that I often hear in meetings, because for me, making an amends is about helping one to live in the present without being haunted by his or her past. The notion of a "living amends" troubles because it suggests that the past is always with you. Of course, it is in one sense, but in another, it is not.
To repeatedly apologize for the same offense fosters codependency in the relationship, and it prevents the alcoholic from leaving the past in the past, not regretting it or shutting the door on it. Sometimes one is not sure enough is enough, which is the same mindset at the center of the alcoholic's problems, and so, at times, it becomes necessary to hear another alcoholic say, "Consider that amends is complete."
Sobriety, like the wreckage of the past, is difficult to quantity. I know how long it has been since I had a drink. I know how much money I have saved by not drinking, and yet I am incapable of placing a number on the value of feeling self-respected and forgiven. Whatever it is, I think that it is best measured in gratitude.
Showing posts with label fifth step. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fifth step. Show all posts
Aug 25, 2013
Aug 24, 2013
INTRO: Eighth Step
Previously, I noted that was I raised in home where God was like Santa Claus. Praying was about asking for what one wanted and then trying to persuade God to provide by practicing piety. When God did not act quickly enough when I asked for something, I appealed to Mom, who was, and is, always looking for an occasion to shop. She almost always gave me what I asked for, provided that I completed whatever emotional obstacle course that she set before me.
By the time that I arrived at the eighth step, I was familiar with the notion of making a list. I did not expect the resentment list that I made when taking the fourth step to be the one that I would be checking twice when I started noting who I had wronged. Returning to this list after identifying and examining the destructive and self-destructive behavioral patterns in my life was a humbling experience---almost as humbling as starting to ask God to remove these defects of character every day. I sought change, and yet I was not completely sure of the change for which I was asking or what I expected. For the change to be lasting, it had to seem authentic; it had to be authentic.
What I had to watch, and to be prepared to change, then and now, are actions that are motivated by self-pity or pride, which, as looked at that first resentment list, more often than not, contributed to the resentments that, more often than not, were expressions of fear or feelings of failure related to ridiculously high expectations. While considering who I had harmed with my sponsor, saying that this person or that person deserved my wrath was not an acceptable response, because harboring grudges does nothing to promote one's sobriety.
Of course, some anger and actions are impossible to justify, even by an alcoholic. Revisiting the resentment list, I created a list of people I had wronged. Then I was asked to create a list of people I had wronged who had not wronged me. At first, I was not sure that I could come up with one, but as I looked at how my resentments affected innocent bystanders, sometimes years after the fact, I was able to put together a list to which I would add names as I remembered them, sometimes in the middle of the night, often first thing in the morning (and now that the haze of active alcoholism has passed, I still remember stories).
Please note that making a list is the first half of this step. Becoming willing to make amends to all whom one has wronged is the second half. AA recognizes that it takes a while for obsessive personality types to warm to the notion of change, especially changes in them or in their circumstances. For example, one comes to believe in God in the second step; the searching and fearless moral inventory in step four is separate from, and a prelude to, sharing the results in step five. All that step eight requires in terms of making amends is a willingness to do so.
It is surprising to note that step eight is the first place in the steps where the term "willingness" appears, especially when one considers how many open discussion meetings are based on the subject of willingness. Until this point, the only hint of willingness is in step three when one turns one's will and life over to the care of the God of his or her understanding. One's willingness to be cared for, which differs from being given everything that one asks for, precedes one's willingness to make amends so that one may be assured of comfort as one takes the next step toward freedom from a past that cannot be changed in anticipation of a future in which one will be changed by the God of his or her understanding.
By the time that I arrived at the eighth step, I was familiar with the notion of making a list. I did not expect the resentment list that I made when taking the fourth step to be the one that I would be checking twice when I started noting who I had wronged. Returning to this list after identifying and examining the destructive and self-destructive behavioral patterns in my life was a humbling experience---almost as humbling as starting to ask God to remove these defects of character every day. I sought change, and yet I was not completely sure of the change for which I was asking or what I expected. For the change to be lasting, it had to seem authentic; it had to be authentic.
What I had to watch, and to be prepared to change, then and now, are actions that are motivated by self-pity or pride, which, as looked at that first resentment list, more often than not, contributed to the resentments that, more often than not, were expressions of fear or feelings of failure related to ridiculously high expectations. While considering who I had harmed with my sponsor, saying that this person or that person deserved my wrath was not an acceptable response, because harboring grudges does nothing to promote one's sobriety.
Of course, some anger and actions are impossible to justify, even by an alcoholic. Revisiting the resentment list, I created a list of people I had wronged. Then I was asked to create a list of people I had wronged who had not wronged me. At first, I was not sure that I could come up with one, but as I looked at how my resentments affected innocent bystanders, sometimes years after the fact, I was able to put together a list to which I would add names as I remembered them, sometimes in the middle of the night, often first thing in the morning (and now that the haze of active alcoholism has passed, I still remember stories).
Please note that making a list is the first half of this step. Becoming willing to make amends to all whom one has wronged is the second half. AA recognizes that it takes a while for obsessive personality types to warm to the notion of change, especially changes in them or in their circumstances. For example, one comes to believe in God in the second step; the searching and fearless moral inventory in step four is separate from, and a prelude to, sharing the results in step five. All that step eight requires in terms of making amends is a willingness to do so.
It is surprising to note that step eight is the first place in the steps where the term "willingness" appears, especially when one considers how many open discussion meetings are based on the subject of willingness. Until this point, the only hint of willingness is in step three when one turns one's will and life over to the care of the God of his or her understanding. One's willingness to be cared for, which differs from being given everything that one asks for, precedes one's willingness to make amends so that one may be assured of comfort as one takes the next step toward freedom from a past that cannot be changed in anticipation of a future in which one will be changed by the God of his or her understanding.
Aug 22, 2013
INTRO: Sixth Step
One of the first places that I found myself clearly described in The Big Book was in the phrase "restless, irritable and discontent". I was never satisfied with anyone or anything. I liked having options. I thrashed around in search of a better job, a better relationship and a better city. Of course, it is impossible to know what "better" is when one is unsure of who one is, where one is going or what he or she really wants. I lacked direction but was highly motivated to chase whatever opportunity presented itself with reckless abandon, because I did not do anything in moderation. When I came into AA, drinking was not my only problem.
Steps four and five helped me to understand why I did what I did and felt what I felt. I suffered because of what I did to myself and to others. I noticed patterns of destructive and self-destructive behaviors that were often fueled by pride, on the one hand, and self-pity, on the other hand. I specialized in self-sabotage. Until I was willing to change and be changed, I would not have a chance at being satisfied with who I am, where I am or what I am doing.
The sixth step calls for two disciplines with which I did not have much experience when I came into the program: focus and patience. This step requires a person to be "entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character." I do not know that I ever considered myself entirely ready to do anything, especially something that would eliminate one or more of the many options that I cherished. I worried that giving up dishonesty would adversely affect my ability to survive, and maybe thrive, professionally and personally, even though I knew that dishonesty contributed to the past that I was only beginning to remember without grimacing. Giving up wicked emotions and the irrational behavior that accompanied them was difficult enough without submitting to someone's timeline, namely God's, but in the end, I determined that God's plan may be better mine.
Being entirely ready and actually taking the next step are distinct actions. Both require patience. Sometimes I sense a big difference in my thoughts and feelings immediately after taking a step. Often the changes take time. As I accumulate years in the program, I gain a deeper and deeper appreciation of the value of time. Life is not about rushing somewhere; it is definitely not about rushing nowhere. Life is to be savored soberly, according to the rhythm of God's life, not mine. Of this truth, I cannot be reminded enough.
Steps four and five helped me to understand why I did what I did and felt what I felt. I suffered because of what I did to myself and to others. I noticed patterns of destructive and self-destructive behaviors that were often fueled by pride, on the one hand, and self-pity, on the other hand. I specialized in self-sabotage. Until I was willing to change and be changed, I would not have a chance at being satisfied with who I am, where I am or what I am doing.
The sixth step calls for two disciplines with which I did not have much experience when I came into the program: focus and patience. This step requires a person to be "entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character." I do not know that I ever considered myself entirely ready to do anything, especially something that would eliminate one or more of the many options that I cherished. I worried that giving up dishonesty would adversely affect my ability to survive, and maybe thrive, professionally and personally, even though I knew that dishonesty contributed to the past that I was only beginning to remember without grimacing. Giving up wicked emotions and the irrational behavior that accompanied them was difficult enough without submitting to someone's timeline, namely God's, but in the end, I determined that God's plan may be better mine.
Being entirely ready and actually taking the next step are distinct actions. Both require patience. Sometimes I sense a big difference in my thoughts and feelings immediately after taking a step. Often the changes take time. As I accumulate years in the program, I gain a deeper and deeper appreciation of the value of time. Life is not about rushing somewhere; it is definitely not about rushing nowhere. Life is to be savored soberly, according to the rhythm of God's life, not mine. Of this truth, I cannot be reminded enough.
Aug 21, 2013
INTRO: Fifth Step
The longer I drank, the more I often drank alone. I sat at bars by myself and would drive home from them almost every night. When I went out with other people, I would drink as they did, at least in the early years, and drink more after we said "goodnight". Often I would stop on the way home to purchase more alcohol to drink before I went to sleep. At some point, I stopped going to sleep and started passing out night after night.
I do not remember much about the accident that led to my incarceration. When I attended my first AA meeting upon my release from jail, I was not feeling much but fear. Alcohol does that to a person. It takes away his or her ability to remember; it takes away his or her capacity to feel.
Statements like "alcohol does that to a person" make less sense after the fourth step than they do after the first one. Even though I knew that I was powerless over alcohol, I chose to take the first drink hoping that alcohol would numb senses and calm fears. Irrationally, I thought that it would help me to forget the past and set me up to succeed in the future. It did neither one, because I insisted on dwelling on the past and fearing the future, and in so doing, found it impossible to live in the present.
Looking at myself honestly and sharing this story with another person helped me to accept myself as I was without beating myself up or blaming all of my problems on alcohol. The moral inventory helped me to recognize how much I lied to myself about who I was and how my drinking affected others. It helped me to start being honest with myself so that I would eventually be able to trust my thoughts and feelings.
The fifth step opened me to the possibility of trusting God and other human beings. It is about practicing the honesty that the fourth step demands with somebody other than one's aggrandizing and loathing self. There were few surprises when I did my personal inventory. In my gut, I remembered how I wronged others. The challenge was being honest enough to write down these wrongs. Then, once they were written, the challenge became speaking them aloud.
The fifth step says that we "admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs." Notice that the audiences are God, ourselves and another human being. The God of my understanding was familiar with my offenses, as was I, so what I was doing in the first part of this step was simply acknowledging what was already known, and there is power in knowing. Admitting the exact nature of my wrongs to another person was the bigger problem, because one of the problems that I was admitting was how I struggle with pride.
The word "admitted" appears in the steps for the first time since the step one in which "we admitted we were powerless over alcohol". For me, this language serves as a reminder that all of the alcoholic's problems are related. Both the first step and the fifth step are about letting go of that which stands in the way of being who we are and of being well.
Taking the fifth step with another person is an intimate act (which is not to be confused with a romantic one). It establishes faith in the possibility of a mutually affirming relationship with another person. It help one begin to trust again. It empowers one to set his or her sights on life on the other side of the consequences of alcoholic behavior, and about this much I am sure: this life in relationship with God and neighbors is far, far better than drinking alone.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)