1st Step PRINCIPLE: Honesty

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol---that our lives had become unmanageable.

I have attended AA meetings throughout the United States, and in many of the clubhouses where I have attended meetings, a list of 12 principles appear alongside of the 12 steps and 12 traditions.  

The principles

The principles on this list differ from clubhouse to clubhouse.  The differences are not drastic, but I feel that I should acknowledge them in the beginning of this series so that if the principles that I discuss here are different from the ones that appear in the place where you attend meetings you will understand why (alcoholics, in my experience, are reluctant to trust other people, so I am careful to nuance what I say in an effort to establish credibility from the beginning of this series).

The practices

The principle practiced in the first step is honesty, and honesty, in my experience, does not come naturally to alcoholics.   Before I came into the program, I was able to twist any story to say whatever I wanted it to say.  Often I deceived others; sometimes I deceived myself (especially when I thought that people believed the same lie that I had been telling for years).  

The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

Fundamentally, honesty is about telling the truth, and yet it is much, much more.  Honesty is not simply the absence of lying; it is telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth regardless of whether it advances one's personal agenda.  It assumes knowledge of one's self and situation and a willingness to share this knowledge with another person so that he or she may be helped.  

The result of honesty is trust.  One starts trusting his or her judgment and the judgment of others (for me, trusting others came first, but I am sure that for some, trust starts with one's self).  Being able to trust another person over a long period of time results in loyalty, and with a sense of support and experience with being supportive, one comes to feel part of the group to which he or she belongs.

Admission

In AA, the first act of honesty is admitting: 1) that one is powerless over alcohol; and 2) that life is unmanageable.  "Admission" language assumes that something is concealed (or at least one thinks that something is concealed).  It also implies wrongdoing and hints at willingness to change.

Admitting that one is powerless over alcohol and that life has become unmanageable bumps up against one's pride, and even though I was humiliated when I came into AA, I still had an extraordinary amount of pride, especially for a person who was recently released from jail.

Practicing the first step imparts life skills that help beyond not drinking, but when one comes into the program, not drinking may be all that one can think about, because the consequences of his or her drinking sit like elephants in the meeting room.       

Be yourself.

From an early age, I was taught to, "Be myself."  Later in life, I wondered, "What if one is an asshole?"

The line between being an alcoholic and an asshole is fine.  With enough to drink, I always was myself, and this self was an asshole.  Of course, the next morning, I would blame whatever I did or said on alcohol, and yet as I stepped into recovery, I began to think of myself as the person who did and said all of these embarrassing things.

Being one's self leads to a better quality of life.  Being one's self while drinking alcoholically leads to consequences that lead one into the program, and being one's self while suffering these consequences, leads to the admissions of powerlessness and unmanageability.

Be open to being empowered.

One of the biggest lies that I told myself was that alcohol helped me to relax.  Nothing could have been further from the truth.  When I drank, I gave myself permission to go to the darkest and most vitriolic places in my psyche and to be honest about how I felt about other people.  All of the feelings that I expressed were negative, and sharing these feelings did not bring about trust or loyalty.

Russian novelist Fyodor Dostoyevsky wrote, "Nothing in this world is harder than speaking the truth, nothing easier than flattery."  For me, as an active alcoholic, nothing was harder than speaking the truth about myself, though flattering myself was one of the few practices that I did well.  The opposite was true with respect to my thoughts and feelings about other people.  I preferred criticizing to complimenting, which led to feeling increasingly disconnected from my peers.

Be willing to change.

When I came into AA, this pattern had to change.  I had to begin to look as critically at myself as I looked at other people, and I had to begin to overlook the qualities in other people, especially members of AA, that led me to dark and vitriolic places so that I could let them help me help myself.

Given where I was when I came into the program, it was not difficult to find men and women who seemed more empowered than was I.  Life seemed more manageable to them, and yet I still found myself judging them by some ridiculous standard that, in the end, was more alcoholic than sober.

When I stepped up and accepted responsibility for the actions that led me into AA, I opened myself to the possibility of life without alcohol.  I was not sure if this life would be better, but I was convinced that it would not be worse.  For the first time in a long time, I was being honest with myself, and with time, I started being more honest with other men and women, and slowly but surely, I started feeling better about myself again.